Reunited

I finally talked to him. It felt so good. I told him everything I felt. I apologized. He apologized. It'll never be how it was before, but it felt great to be honest with my feelings for once. The best part about it is that he didn't sound freaked out or annoyed or taken aback. He sounded like he genuinely felt bad about hurting me. I know that nothing is going to change significantly, but it's nice to get those feelings out.

Dreams.

I have the most explicit dreams. They are so dirty and weird. That's not true actually. Usually my dreams are just very strange. They rarely involve sex actually. Unless I go to sleep thinking about sex. Last night I don't remember thinking about sex though, then again when am I not thinking about sex? The weirdest part of this dream is that I was having sex with a really ugly guy. He was a bad kisser. He like shoved his tongue in my mouth. Ew. It was so vivid. I really felt his big slimy tongue in my mouth. Ick. We were laying in bed and I put his hands in my underwear. I was totally the aggressor in the situation. I was enjoying it until he stuck his tongue in my mouth. I would think my subconscious would know what a good kiss felt like. Guess not. Another strange thing: in addition to being ugly, he lives on my floor. I walk past him all the time. Since the dream I haven't seen him though (thank goodness). Now that I'm thinking about it, I probably would have sex with him if he took the necessary steps of course. His mouth isn't particularly attractive, but he's pretty tall and has that bad boy swag to him. I've heard he has a lot of sex, which doesn't necessarily make him any good or anything, but it might mean he has confidence, which is never a bad thing. There wasn't any actual P in V in this dream, just finger action. Oh gosh, how do I express this without turning this blog into smut? I guess there really isn't any way. Anyway, my thoughts during/after the dream were/are:

• Ew, Too much tongue
• Woah, what are you doing in my dream?
• Did I just do that?
• Sub-conscious! *Cher from clueless voice*

Oh, in other news, I totally caught a guy on my floor checking out my ass. That's right bby, soak it in ; )

Triumphant return

Oh my gawd guyz! I'm finally in school! Yes! YAY! Woo! Hoo! I'm so freaking happy. I love my school. I love studying and doing homework. I love everything! I ran into Tall ExBFF and his tiny girlfriend at Petland. It was slightly awkward, but oddly triumphant. Tiny girlfriend is such a shady girl. She barely said anything to me and looked at me funny(as usual). Whatever bitch. You're just mad because I'm not an insecure dwarf. I don't have to put others down to feel good about myself and I don't have to have sex with a guy before becoming official because I'm damaged or whatever your reasoning is. I don't cry over an equally insecure guy who obviously couldn't handle a relationship. I don't constantly question my worth or beauty. I'm actually doing something with my life. You aren't. So go ahead and cast your sideways glances, I will still be fucking fabulous and you'll still be a sad little girl. Shade aside, I was too busy freaking out to properly gauge the reaction of Tall ExBFF. My friend said he looked happy to see me. I replied that he always looks happy to see me. It's true. He is. Can you blame him? I'm great. I felt like I was his ex girlfriend. It was weird. I felt the history between us in that awkward hug and his questioning what I'm doing right now. I purposely said I go to the best school ever and beamed. I'm so happy without you. No, I'm so much happier without you. Look how great I'm doing. Look how good I look. Look at what you're missing out on. It felt damn good. You hurt me, but I've still come out victorious. Maybe it's immature, but I really don't care. He made me question myself and my worth. I have to reclaim how I feel about myself. I have too much pride. I deserve to be proud. Look how far I've come. I'm the fucking shit. Eat that bitch.

Strangers.

One of the first lessons we're taught as children is that we should never ever talk to strangers. Even if they have candy. Even if they have toys. Even if they say it's okay. Never ever, under any circumstances talk to strangers. Unless they're the police and you're lost of course, but that's irrelevant for right now. I have broken this rule. I have obliterated this rule. I have wiped this rule out of existence. I have been talking to as many strangers as possible. I'm playing a dangerous game. Even worse, I'm playing this game on the internet. Where I can't even see the strangers I'm talking to. I'm telling them my name and age and what state I'm in. This blog is dangerous. I'm revealing my deepest secrets to people I probably won't ever see. The blog is quite different from meeting a stranger online and then sending him your picture though. It wasn't a dirty picture, don't get cray! But it was a picture nonetheless. I don't really know why I did it honestly. I guess it's because he sent me a picture first and he was cute and he likes my personality. Maybe it's because the picture was blurry anyway and he's all the way in Canada(allegedly). Maybe it's because it was late and I was sleep deprived and delirious. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I never do anything that risky, and aren't all of our friends strangers first? I don't know, but it freaks me out. On the one hand, I guess I should stop being so insecure and accept the possibility that a really cute guy a) thinks I have a good personality b) thinks I'm "cute". On the other hand, I could be walking into a scary trap. I don't know this person and even though he seems willing to video chat with me, it doesn't mean that he's any less of a crazy person or more trust-worthy. He could be anyone behind the internet. Everything is always a problem for me. I keep asking the Universe for a boyfriend and then it puts a cute, interested guy in front of me, but SURPRISE he's far away. I can't catch a break. What I really want  to do, is delete every trace of him and forget he exists. But something is stopping me. Something that says wait, he might be pretty cool.  Who am I kidding? Even if he were anything good, he'd just be another Josh. Fuck it. Naming names. Deal with it. And anyway, what would even come from it? Nothing good. And in a couple days, I will be swimming in hotties. And what does he want with me anyway? It's all too sketchy. We haven't talked in a day, which was the first time we talked. He hasn't even been online. It wouldn't be a big deal if I trusted myself not to catch feelings. But I know myself, I'm a mess. I want so badly to be loved that I'll make that shit up. What a shame. Maybe I'll talk to him one last time. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

Dangerously in Love

One of my favorite Beyonce songs(though I have great difficulty choosing just one fave Bey song) is Dangerously in Love. I had forgotten about the song for a while, but remembered it and started singing it constantly.  My (now ex) best friend also loved the song and we would listen to it at least six times in a row on any given day. Anyway, I actually remember the day that I rediscovered the song. I remember that I didn't know all the words at that point and would only sing the chorus and bridge. The day I remembered the song, I was at a boy's house. It was late and I was pushing curfew. We were laying in his bed watching a movie. Actually, I was talking through most of it. I suddenly remembered the song and started singing it. I can't remember his reaction right now for some reason, but I'm almost positive that it wasn't a negative one. He liked when I sang to him. He was a bit of a brute, but he was very gentle in a way. He liked to be caressed. One time, he came over to my ex best friend's house and while she was in her room with her boyfriend, we watched t.v in the dark in the room next door. I sang to him and he told me I would make a great wife one day. I replied, "I know". That response makes me cringe now. Maybe if I had just said thank you things would have turned out differently. That's probably not true. That isn't who I am. I don't aspire to be a "great wife". I aspire to be a great human being. I don't want to be put in a box. I keep replaying scenes over and over again, changing things I've said and done, trying to find where I went wrong. I keep trying to figure out how I could have made him see how felt about him without the words ever leaving my mouth. Whenever I dare tell a guy how I feel about him, it always end in disaster. I realize now that there's nothing I could have done to change how our relationship. If he wanted to be more than my friend, he would have done something about it. It doesn't matter how many times he's complimented me. Or how many times we've cuddled under blankets. The time he tried to finger me without even talking to me about it is proof that he didn't really respect me. He doesn't really respect anyone. He's a nice person and makes people laugh, but he doesn't really show respect. That's something I wouldn't have tolerated as his girlfriend, and didn't tolerate as his friend. So, unless I compromised who I am and gave up control over what I do, we never would have survived. As friends, or otherwise. I will never ever allow someone to make me feel like I need to stop complaining or like scary movies or be someone I'm not. If you don't accept the good and bad parts of me, you won't have me at all.

Flimsy Friendships

I hate that so many things remind me of the friends I used to have. I hate that they're not my friends anymore. I hate that I didn't make friends with better people. Or at least people that were better for me. Why does stuff like this always happen to me? I feel like I'm constantly asking this question. I keep telling myself that I'm going to change and surround myself with people that never make me feel bad about myself or inadequate or just like shit in general. Yet somehow I always end up alone. I always end up by myself without so much as someone to text. I feel like I've never had real friends. My friendships are so flimsy. Friendship isn't supposed to be flimsy. It's supposed to be iron-clad. It's supposed to have a shelf-life much longer than the friendships I find myself in. I find myself thinking God, I can't stand these people a lot more than I feel I should. I guess once I settle into these relationships it feels like I have no way out. I become comfortable. Who else is there anyway? It's so much work to find things in common with a whole new person, to get comfortable with them and learn all about their life and its intricacies. I ignore the annoyance and the discomfort and the feeling like shit for far too long. Then, when I get pushed to my very limit, I'm done. Nothing will bring me back. I've noticed that they never try to get me back though. They never really cared. What am I then? Filler. I just took up space in their brain but I never actually meant anything. I never made an impact. Time was simply being wasted. Too many of these failed friendships leave me feeling this way. My mother said something about my first heartbreak. I think I've already had it. It just wasn't a boyfriend. It was, however, people that I thought I would never lose touch with. People I thought truly understood me and cared about my well-being. But they don't and never did. People who care about each other don't treat each other that way. They don't make each other feel insignificant. Now I have no one. I have no real friends. I have no best friend. I have no boyfriend. I have no one to hang out with. I have no one to text all the time. I have no one to complain to. I have no one to work out with. I have no one to have inside jokes with. I have no one to have sleepovers with. No one to do illegal things with. No one to share secrets with. I feel so alone. Fun and friends are like a distant, slowly fading memory. I never thought this is what my life would be like. And all I can ever think is what am I doing wrong?? What have I done to deserve this? How could I have prevented this? What is so bad about me that everyone leaves me? Why does everyone leave me? Why doesn't anyone care about me? Why do I keep having to start over? What is so difficult about loving me? Wh am I so hard to love?

Until Next Year....

Can a boyfriend like fall out of the sky for me? I feel fat and ugly, I wish my hair would grow 5 more inches over night, and I wish my closet will fill with gorgeous clothes and accessories. I wish a super cute guy would ask me out. I wish I at least had friends. I feel like I always want these things. I feel like I will never get these things. Why can't I just be content with what I have, how I look, and my life in general? This is useless. Maybe things will change for me in January. I don't know, maybe things will get better for me. for now, I'll just keep eating (slightly) healthier and working out regularly.