When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

I miss him sooo much. I'm not talking about text message guy, I'm talking about Super Crush turned "Best Friend". At least I thought I saw him as a friend. Ever since he started going out with her, it's like I don't even exist. I know he cares about me, and supposedly he misses me, but I feel like I've lost him forever. I know that's dramatic, but it feels dramatic. I'm leaving soon and if things continue this way, I'll leave without saying goodbye.  I have a feeling the girl he's dating doesn't want him around me and that hurts. I wish things could go back to the time I listened to his heartbeat. I should probably just cut my losses and pretend he doesn't exist anymore. In a way, he doesn't. The him that I cuddled with and watched movies with and held hands with for hours went away. He's someone different now. He's an uglier version. He's someone I don't even recognize. I don't even think there's anything I could have done to change this. All I can do now is appreciate the time I spent with him and dream of what could have been. I did love the time I spent with him. I loved how we were before he disappeared. I watched him fade slowly and I didn't quite understand what was happening until it happened already. I'm not sad or upset, or at least I'm trying not to be, because I'm grateful that I got to meet him and have the experiences we had. Just because I feel something for him, that doesn't mean we were meant to be together. That's something I have to learn.

What about me?

I've felt pretty unsupported these past couple of days. My best friend only ever wants to talk about her boyfriend issues and it makes me feel so alone. It's probably because it's that time and I'm an emotional wreck, but I do feel like ever since she became involved with this guy she isn't very helpful. Sometimes I think I'm being selfish, but I always listen to her problems and provide feedback. When I try to talk about my problems, it somehow turns into a discussion about whether or not she should break up with him. I honestly feel like of you have to question it so much, you shouldn't be in the relationship. It's annoying that people who don't even know how to take care of themselves end up in relationships, and I've never even experienced one. Not even a bad one. Well I've had a bad relationship, but it wasn't a real one. Don't I deserve a nice guy? I guess not. This is all I've thought about lately. 
Whatever. This is my life. Things will be different in college, it has to be. I'll just look forward to starting over.

Anxiety.

I can't sleep. I have too much on my mind. Plus, I ate stuff that was super sweet and the aftertaste is lingering. I could just brush my teeth, but meh. I'm nervous about all that's happening this month: two photography jobs, one for a wedding, and the other for a birthday party. The wedding is a huge amount or pressure because I wasn't even supposed to be hired and apparently, I'm too expensive. Such bullshit. Other photographers charge triple the amount I'm charging. And charge by the photo. Every time God gives me something, there's a catch or something broken. It's really depressing. I have cramps. I have no clue what I'm wearing to any of these events. I'm hoping my grandfather can take me shopping this weekend. That would solve that problem. I'm freaking out over school. It's sooo expensive and I'm so poor. Why couldn't my mother have started a college fund? Why couldn't some distant wealthy relative have taken me under their wing? When I was applying, I was told not to worry abut the cost of school. Now I'm being told that I'll be in debt forever. Who hates me and why? I feel like something either really good or really horrible is going to happen to me. Probably both. Most likely the latter. I think the chances of me falling asleep anytime soon are slim to none. I also think that my uterus is stretching a hole into itself. Whatever is happening in that region of my body, it's not good. It doesn't feel good anyway. I need to lose weight. I'm disgusting. I wish I would wake up, look in the mirror and find I'm beautiful. No pimples, no discoloration, no braces, long curly hair, perfectly white and straight teeth, a flat stomach, thin thighs, a perky round butt, full C cup boobs, and a sunny disposition. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. Why would God make me this way? Why would he give me this life? Why must I be so lonely and unhappy? I don't think anything will change when I move. I think I'm still going to feel ugly and ignored. I still won't find a guy who likes me as more than a friend and sees me as someone he would like to date. I think I'm always going to feel this way and it's really depressing. Every time I go out I think "maybe today will be the day that some interesting stranger introduces himself to me and we click instantly. Maybe today I'll meet my first real boyfriend. Maybe his parents and little sister will love me. Maybe he'll have the same skin condition I do. Maybe he'll call me beautiful and I'll believe him. Maybe we'll fall head over heels for each other and it'll be gross and annoying. Maybe I'll finally stop feeling so alone and hate myself a lot less. Maybe we'll fall in love and even when we break up, we'll never think negatively toward each other." But then I remember who I am and that life isn't a movie and I don't bother to comb my hair. Because what is the point of having pretty hair with an ugly face?  Or vice versa for that matter. Every time I think I'm getting a taste of love, it's just another loss and another scuff on my heart. I hope this is that dark time before the dawn people talk about. I'm going to attempt to get sleep now.

Boys.

I don't think I'll ever understand the opposite sex. Boys are like a foreign language I won't ever figure out. I need a translator or some classes. Something to help me decode this mystery. I'm being dramatic. I wouldn't know what to do with that knowledge anyway. It probably wouldn't change the state of my love life. I think I just have to wait. I've waited this long, what's a little while longer? I can only hope that he'll be worth the wait. I overthink things too much and probably ruin things that could possibly be great. Plus, I never ever make the first move. Ever. It's too risky and I'm not confident that I wont get laughed at or brushed off (again). That literally hurt my heart to type. I hate to feel this way, but I know if I didn't have my skin condition I would have better luck with guys. I hate myself for feeling that way. I hate myself for having the condition on the first place. I really don't think I'm attractive most days. I think I have to do so much to make myself look pretty. I feel like I have to be the sweetest, nicest, friendliest, most  obsequious I can be to compensate for how I look. I hate that I can't tell if a guy is looking at me because he thinks I'm beautiful or strange looking. I guess either way it doesn't really matter. For now, I'm going to hold on to hope because life is absurd, especially my life. I think I should end this now. I'm watching The Notebook for the first time. It's really nice so far.