Giving Up the Gun and Becoming a Nun

I'm becoming a nun. In the words of Sam Cooke, that's it, I quit, I'm moving on. I'm just going to marry God and get on with my life. God must want me to marry him. He made me hideous and made no guy want me. He made me feel alone. He made me feel totally at peace during mass. He made me have those crazy dreams. He made guys ignore me. The only reason I can think of is he wants me to marry him. And I think I'll just comply. It couldn't hurt. There must be a shortage of nuns. It's okay, I'll add to the population. I would make a good nun. I enjoy church and can be very disciplined if I focus hard enough. I wonder how many half black half puerto rican nuns there are... I haven't had my first communion or catechism. I think my nun plan might fall through. Nah, it'll be my only plan that actually world perfectly. My wedding to Gods would be beautiful. I saw one in a silent film once it was really nice.

Unrequited Like (the only like I know)

I keep having dreams about him. I really hate it. I'm doing well though. I'm getting so much better at protecting myself. Deep down, I know that if he ever asked me out I would say yes without a doubt. And every time I imagine him feeling even a fraction of the tiny bit I might feel for him, my stomach does somersaults. My intense denial helps, until I hug him or "console" him or look him in his stupid eyes. I have moments when I'm totally okay and I feel great. Other times, all I can think about is how cute he is. Actually, he's not that great. I can probably do better. I know way too much about his past. That ruins it for me. Plus, he doesn't feel the same way about sex as I do. He's way to lax about it. That's enough to turn me off. Not completely though(obviously). I hate that someone has to hurt me or I have to start liking someone else in order to get over my feelings. It really sucks. Especially since it always takes so long for me to find someone that I think I might have enough of  a chance with to allow myself to like. I'm just so impatient. I want a boyfriend already. I'm sick of waiting. This guy I'm waiting for better be worth the wait. He better be the most amazing guy who is so perfect for me, that I couldn't imagine him any better if I tried. I hope that I can't find anything wrong with him. I hope he loves me. I hope our love is effortless. I've never had a boyfriend, so I really don't know what I like or dislike. I can't be sure what kind of person I would make the perfect couple with. Anyway, I'm just going to have to learn to be patient. I consider myself worth waiting for, so I want someone who is worth the wait. I feel like all of my posts are about me waiting for things: a job, money, a boyfriend, beauty, happiness. There's only so much I can  do to get these things. The rest is waiting. I guess I don't mind as long as the reward is spectacular. It doesn't even have to be spectacular. Any reward would be appreciated. I'm getting sleepy. The point is, I wish I could throw out the feelings that I'm trying to ignore, or they would at leat be returned so that I could realize that he isn't the right guy for me. That is all. Goodnight.