Insomnia...Perfect.

I can't sleep.. I just have way too much on my mind. I have a job interiew next week which is freaking me out. I'm getting a haircut and going shopping tomorrow, so of course I'm thinking about that. Ugh. I hate when I try to imagine or anticipate what's going to happen. It keeps me awake at night. It's really irritating. Anyway, I'm really excited about the job interview. I really hope I find the perfect outfit for it. That would REALLY help my confidence. Luckily, I have really good people skills and I find it very easy to strike up conversations with people. Signs of a salesgirl! *fingerscrossed!* Oh, how could I almost forget??? Shame on me! I bought new shoes!! :) They're BEE-YOO-TEE-FULL! Hopefully they come ASAP. It would be so awesome if they came in time for my interview! I wish you could see them BloggerMobile is acting like an asshole :T If you really want to see them, their Garolega style from Aldoshoes.com FAB. They also happen to be on sale. I got mine in beige. Super cute. I can't wait until they come. I'mobsessively tracking my order until they arrive. Little things like this are what spark my ambitions. I swear. They also keep me awake at night. I'm a little nervous about my haircut. I'm getting it similar to Agyness Deyn's haircut since we have the same face shape and I think I'm a supermodel. I'm scared about how it will turn out. I also want to dye my hair a really dark purple before school starts. Like, so dark it looks black. I'm not really nervous about that though. I think it will come out nice. And I can always do a strand test. If I get my hair cut into that style, however, it will make my hair the shortest it's been since I was a bald baby! I'm going for an edgier look though. Something girly but kickass. Like biker chick with a soft side. Bohemian belle with a dark side. Idk. I need to change up my style. Its getting stale. It should be a breeze if I get that job. Please, oh please let me get that job!. Oh no, it's 2:15 and I have to get up early for my hair appointment. Time to try to sleep :T

Welcome to Square One. Population: me

U no her...she invited me nd plus one lol ur the only person I wanted to come:-) my bros going to:-)

*Sigh* As the title suggests, I'm back at square one. What is square one you ask?? Well, I'll tell you, madly in like with a guy who is totally unavailable. Ugh, as I was typing that, I hesitated as I wrote "totally". I can't fully accept it. Even after all that crap, I still can't. FML. Its just, I forgive him for his faults when he says things like:

Nd ur not bad ur just rite:-)

Or

Lol I just miss u nd I owe u a performance:-)

And HOW am I supposed to stay strong when he says things like:

Lol u have nice skin show it off :-)

Do I sound totally pathetic yet? I am pathetic. I'm pathetic for love. But love doesn't love me. And neither does he. It's actually quite sad. But, to not feel alone, I'll love you and I'll wait, to give the illusion that I'm not alone(watch 8 Women, a French Film and you'll get the reference). I'm so dramatic. He's not even my boyfriend(yet I hope). He's just a friend. Who has a girlfriend. Who I haven't met yet. I thought I came to terms with that. I haven't. And I realize now that I won't until she's standing in front of me and I get that discomfort in the pit of my stomach. I'm a visual learner. And apparently, a glutton for punishment. I know it's over, but my birthday wish is for these feeling to be gone and for me to forget about him like I forgot about the others. The universe just won't leave me alone.

Joyeux Anniversaire! Feliz Cumpleanos! Ha-peh like Birth-deh!*

Happy Birthday to me, I'm cool as can be. Now I'm cool and a year older, happy freakin birthday to me!!! So today(well, technically, yesterday) is(was) my birthday. It was great. The celebrations aren't over, but I feel so loved :). I was in a major funk, but I feel better now. The only thing that kind of bugged me was Darling. He really dissapointed me. Like, in a huge way. He wished me a happy birthday, but I still feel a little snubbed. He kind of blew me off and then gave some lame ass excuse. Like, whatever if you can't hang out with me, but tell me that. Don't keep me waiting. That's a huge petpeeve for me. I REALLY can't stand that shit. I wouldn't do that to anyone, so don't do it to me. The really sucky thing is this morning when I got his text, I got excited. I'm thinking oh, great, he came out from his bstupid cave just in time for my birthday. That's what I get for getting my hopes up. I never learn. I always allow my idiotic optimism to get the best of me and I'm constantly getting dissapointed. Like, wtf? I'm taking it personally because he's been acting like this ever since my College Trip/Workshop AND it was my birthday. He has enough battery or time to update his Facebook but not to text me to see if I'm okay?? Word?? That's how you feel?? That's what our relationship is all about?? So, if I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not shit?? Fine, that's ok. I'm loyal to those who are loyal to me. And right now, I'm not really feeling it. You just can't go from always being there to being there when you feel like it. That's exactly why a lot of people are no longer in my life. Anyway, on a lighter note, my birthday was AMAZEballs. I had a lot of fun. I'm getting my hair done, going out for ice cream, AND going shopping. Hopefully, I get some more birthday ca$h. Don't worry dolls, I'm okay. I swear, I'm f_cking O K A Y ! :)

*Valley Girl for Congrats on like getting old and junk *_*

Hurt... it was a matter of time.

I've been depressed, in a funk, blah, whatever, for literally five days. I hate everything and everyone, I'm dissapointed in life, I have no motivation, I'm sleepy, I'm irritable. I feel so abandoned and neglected. It finally happened. I've seen his fatal flaw. I feel used or something. I'm confused because I don't know what happened but I don't know how to fix it. When something like this happens I just feel worthless. Like it's impossible for anyone. To see me for who I am. Why can't anything ever just fall into place for me? I don't win things. Ever. I don't get chosen. I'm disposable. It's been proven. People forget about me as quickly as they meet me. God forbid I get up to use the bathroom, someone will be in my seat and providing much more stimulating conversation by the time I get back. What's wrong with me? What's so bad about me? It makes me want to give up. Screw everything.

Summer of SUCK [weekend three]

I know I'm extremely late with this post. I meant to write a prologue for this but I didn't have a chance. So, this weekend was LIFE CHANGING. Literally. I went on a college trip that was so much more than a college trip. I learned new things about myself, met new people that became more than just people, they became family. I opened up to them and they opened up to me. It was the most emotional, empowering, amazing weekend of my life. This weekend was the complete opposite of SUCK. I feel more confident, better prepared for the rest of my life, and like a brand new person. I can't believe how fortunate I am to have the opportunities and experiences I've had. I'm so filled with new hope. It's so cool. I can't believe so much happened in just four days. I can't wait to encourage the juniors to go to on the CollegeTrip and the reunion. "Teamwork is Dreamwork" <3

Summer of SUCK [weekend two]

This weekend was exponentially better than last weekend. The less time I spend with people I can't tolerate for long periods of time, the better. I was at the beach all day on Saturday with two of my favorite people and met some pretty cool people. I soaked up the sun and got a great tan. I had sooo much fun. Today I slept until 2pm, and had really bad cramps. My sister really pissed me off, but I bought some really pretty make-up and pretended to shop online. I found a reeeaaally pretty dress from Forever21 and the perfect accessories to go with it, but it would require new shoes, which I really don't want to buy. I also found the cutest shoes ever, but they don't come in my size :'( My life is so hard... Tomorrow I'll probably go to Payless and check out what they have. I really hope I find some super cute black wedge booties. Every outfit would be 6 times cuter. My black jeans, graphic tee, and blazer just isn't right without those boots. I've been obsessed with wedge heel booties for at least a year now, literally.*sigh* One day, my love, one day!

And It All Falls Down...

It finally hit me. He has a girlfriend, who he's committed to, who exists, and he really likes her. No, I didn't finally meet her. No, I haven't seen a picture. All it took was Darling, my very good FRIEND to talk about her so lovingly and sincerely. I have no choice but to accept the fact that he's my FRIEND. I really am over it(until the next time I say I'm not). After seeing some very hot guys at the beach, I realized that I can't imagine myself being in a relationship with anyone. I think it's because I don't think I'm attractive. However, I do think that I eventually will become more attractive. I have hope that I'll turn into a swan anyone can go from Ugly Duckling to Swan with the right amount of money. Its just the way the world turns. Once I can afford nice make-up,to dress better, good skin care products and to get my hair done, then, maybe I'll be noticed. For now, I just have to wait. I think I could be okay with that. I mean, I don't have a choice, now do I?(as of now, no)

Going Around in Circles.

And just like that, I'm back at square one. According to Facebook, PS is dating someone and Darling may or may not be having issues with his relationship. What does this have to do with me? Well, now I'm freaking out because the Universe may be sending my a sign... speaking of which, here's the conversation me and Darling had today(if he ever stumbles upon this, I swear I'll die):

Moi: Oh please, it's literally impossible for you to ever be a drag, I'm convinced :)

Lui:Lol ok that made me laugh and i dont want to sound like an ass bt thats kinda true i know as soon as i get to u im gonna b shitting bricks lol

Moi:Lol. It is true. Shitting bricks??

Lui:Lol nervous crazy lol thats shitting bricks...

Moi:Lol. Ooooh thanks for the clarification :) why?

Lui:Idk u make me skitzo lol

Moi:Lmao! Sorry?

Lui:U dont do it on purpose lol it's jus part of the balance of the universe...

[I make him "skitzo"... I'm assuming it's a good thing because then I said]: Lol. Yes, darn universe. Darn it to heck! :) [But he responded]:Lol i happen to like this universe:)

Idk what to think anymore. Does he like me? Is he having issues with his  imaginary girlfriend? Or am I reading to much into his facebook status? Ugh, my life is so dramatic...

Sleep Deprived Rant/Random thoughts/ BrainVomit

It feels good to blog on a computer for a change(I usually blog on my phone). I'm super tired, but I really don't feel like going to sleep. I'm currently watching TeenMom and listening to VivaRadio(which I just discovered today.) Farrah got surgery, but I have no clue why. Her daughter is soooo cute. Farrah is still an unlikeable brat.. Out of all the moms, Maci is my favorite. I'm really really sleepy. I don't know why I don't want to sleep, I'm just being stubborn. My feelings for Darling aren't as intense anymore. That's pretty good. I think not hanging out with him for a whole week helped that though. I think I'm getting used to the thought of just being friends. The loser-est couple is Tyler and Catelynn, they are STEP SIBLINGS!!! Ew. They're way too young to be the way they are also. Which is another reason why I consider them to be so Loser-y. I need a new guy in my life. There's just not enough testosterone around me. I'm so tired and VivaRadio isn't helping with it's lovely relaxing music.. I really want to say that I want a boyfriend, but I feel like there's probably a very good reason that I don't have one. Maybe, even multiple reasons. I won't think about it, it'll just depress me, and I've been working very hard not to depress myself. Anyway, I might be going to the beach this weekend. I finally got some money and I'm debating on whether or not I should buy a new bathing suit. I really want a high-waisted one from American Apparel, but I have to buy a "business casual" outfit and I don't have a steady income right now... My life is so hard. I'm hoping I'll attract the attention of someone attractive at the beach. I'm also hoping that I get a freaking job. I need one so badly. If I get a job, half of my troubles will be replaced by lesser ones(or so I hope). I've decided to completely sever ties with someone. It's not a huge step, we go to school together, but I'm going to make it clear that I want nothing to do with that person. I've decided that I have no time for losers. I'm too busy being awesome. If that makes me a bitch, so be it. I already started ignoring that person(it's not hard to ignore someone you loathe) and now I'm going to kick it up a notch. I probably won't have to, they're probably going to drop out of school anyway. Pfft, I can't believe I ever associated with someone like that. Well, I'm smarter now. I'm better now. My standards are even higher. I mean, looking at him, I wonder if I even had standards. I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. I'm changing my attitude and outlook on the world. I'm going to be someone significant in this world, so why the hell would I waste my time with a nobody??? That's just ridiculous. People will know me for my greatness. They almost won't be able to handle it. So, why on earth would I be around someone who can't see that? Someone who doesn't even measure up? I don't care, I'm the shit. I'm all that and a bag of cheetos and I dare anyone to say otherwise. I'm almost positive I've said this before, but I deserve nothing less than the very best. And that's exactly what I'll get. I don't mind waiting; quality takes time. Okay, I'm done ranting and making you hate me. If you're even still reading, wow. I would've thought "this bitch has lost her fucking mind". But I assume everyone hates themselves. Speaking of "you", everyday every once in a while, I'll check out my "stats" to see if someone actually reads this shit. Turns out, people are reading viewing(Idk if you're actually reading) this. I know most of my views are either accidental or a result of the "next blog" button, but I still think it's pretty cool that people in France and the U.K have stumbled across my Brain Vomit. If you do actually take the time to read, thank you....and fuck you for not giving me advice. Just kidding, just kidding, I know my situations are impossible. And I know I'm not very likable so why would you want to help me? And if you are reading, you wouldn't want to help me solve my problems, if I were  problem-free why would I write? Then, what would you read? I would suggest a newspaper, but then I wouldn't get those ego-boosting views :)

Summer of SUCK [weekend one]

This weekend SUCKED. Which makes me think that this whole summer is in serious danger of being a complete blow :T. I was supposed to go to the beach today but it rained. Instead I went with my dad and grandmother to check out an apartment. It made me excited about looking for my own apartment. I was really bummed about not being able to go to the beach. I was hoping it would make up for Friday and Saturday. I would've caught some rays, gave myself a sun tattoo, maybe met a hot guy.. but no, the whole weekend was a bust. I don't even have my piano to vent since the batteries died. I really need to meet new people. Mature, interesting, artsy New Yorkers who know cool shit. At the very least, a really cute musician who digs me. I mean, c'mon Universe, throw me a bone here, I'm dying. It's funny because last night, I told Darling to cross his fingers and hope that I wouldn't be a third wheel at the beach; that some hot guy would notice me. He told me today that he hoped it would rain and I couldn't go to the beach at all -_- Even though I didn't ask for that at all... He apologized, I thought that was pretty cute. I told myself I needed to stop talking to him, I lied. I very nearly told my grandmother that I was going to marry him, I don't know what came over me, I'm crushing way too hard. I'm going bonkers. I need medication. I've been trying to figure out if I like him because I can't have him, or because I really do like him. I hate this. I hate it. I hate it. How do people find each other?? It's the great mystery I don't think I'll ever solve. This is not what I wanted to write about. Fuck this. I'm gonna take pictures...