Mood Swing.

Today I felt very depressed. I stuffed myself with leftover chicken and ice cream cones in an attempt to curb my sadness. It didn't help. After I finished eating, the sadness was still there. I don't know what to do. I just have to wait for it to pass. All I do when I'm in this mood is sleep, eat, and avoid people. I just want someone who thinks I'm beautiful inside and out. I just want to cry. My appearance hinders me. I'm not attractive. I don't have pretty hair or a perfect smile. I'm not thin. I don't have slim thighs or a flat stomach. It doesn't matter how much I long for someone to love me the same way I love them, it won't happen. My skin condition is all people see. I'm so flawed. People just pity me. A guy doesn't want a girl that everyone pities, he wants a girl that everyone likes and thinks is beautiful. Why did God make me this way? I'll never understand. I feel so sad. No one sees me as I am. They only see my skin condition. They only ugliness. This must be what I deserve.

"I used to have a best friend..."

The title is a Facebook status that one of my friend's best friend posted. It is the repeating phrase of the day. Every time I think of anything that reminds me of her, the phrase plays again: I used to have a best friend... with emphasis on the words "used to" and a sad pause at the end. As if she died. I do feel like she died. I feel like I've experienced some tragic death. I'm not even sure if she considers our friendship dead. She hasn't said anything to me. I feel I've done all I can to fix things. Her silence seems to me her way of de-friending me. While I do feel a great loss and I don't understand why any of this even happened, I won't blame myself. I refuse. Reflecting on my actions, I have done no wrong. I want to cry, but I refuse. I will not allow myself to cry over something so trivial. God has done this for a reason. Such an abrupt end to a strong friendship doesn't happen "just because". If it ended at all. In my mind, it has. I have to stop setting high expectations for people. Most human beings will disappoint you and you have no one to blame but yourself for expecting anything from them in the first place. 

Life.

I feel so disregarded. I'm invisible in my own life. The people I thought would be there for me aren't. Everyone I meet ends up hurting me. I've come to the conclusion that it must be me. I must make it so easy to hurt me. If not, there would be someone I care about who hasn't hurt me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My expectations for others have always been too high. I expect others to treat me the way I want to be treated. It's clear to me now that people don't reciprocate. I can't understand why I know such shitty people. I can't understand why I trust people who clearly don't care about me. This is exactly why I'm so closed off to people. This is why I isolate myself for so long. I'm going to isolate myself again. I'm going to focus on my dreams and becoming successful. I'm used to being alone. It's nothing new. I think I'll be happier if I focus on myself and stop worrying about being friends with anyone. I'm moving anyway. It's better this way.