Blogger Sucks because I Wrote This Post 16 Hours Ago!!!!!

I'm having a really hard time accepting that I can't have him. Everytime he mentions his girlfriend, my heart drops to the floor and smashes into a million tiny, sad pieces. I hate this. This is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with. We would be perfect for each other I can't understand why he doesn't see it too. Well, he does, but there's nothing he can do about it, his lag is holding him back. It makes me want to cry. My mother isn't helping. She clearly likes him a lot and can tell I really like him. so she keeps saying that his girlfriend is imaginary. He was sort of helping me figure out how to get closer PS and he said (and I quote) "if I were single, I would've went out with you a long time ago". It's stuff like this that makes my life suck so freaking much. There always seem to be something in the way of something that may be positive in my life. I really want to cry. I just realized, I'm lovesick in the worst way possible. This has gone on for too long.

I'm a Little Bit in Love with You...

Come here, stay with me. Take me by the hand. Cause I would do anything, anything to have you as my man

That's one of my favorite lines from the song Little Bit by Lykke Li. I love that song. It describes how I would feel if I ever fell in love I think. Another one of my favorite lines from the song is: Hands down, I'm too proud for love. But with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of... It's a really good song. Okay, so yesterday I went to Six Flags and once again, weird things happened that cause these feelings to come back and confuse me. Eh, it wasn't a huge deal, but I'm thinking about it. So, I'm not going to go ahead and say that I like PS again, but we had a bit of a tender moment on the ride back from Six Flags. I mean, I felt closer to him than Darling. Only for a little while. He asked me if I went out with Darling. I should've asked him why he wanted to know. He let me lay on him on the bus ride. His shoulder was too hard so I rested on his chest. I couldn't hear his heartbeat, but I could feel his breath leaving and re-entering his chest. It was nice. But of course, he was texting another girl. It's like I'm cursed or something. I wish I knew what I did to deserve this and how to fix it. I don't understand. Who's punishing me and why? I can't wait to know why I go through these things. He touched my face and pet my hair. His hair is soft and curly. It was nice. There was tiny moment there. It brought me back to when I thought I liked him. It's never the guy I'm attracted to, it's the thought of being in a relationship. I hate that. I have hope that this wpnt last forever. Eventually, things will fall into place. I look to the future because I know it's brighter than I can even imagine.

High School Musical: Thank God This Shit's Almost Over.

Okay, I'm officially a senior!!! Ugh, I just revealed my age, oh well, I'm excited.. I just took my last exam and I'm finally a mudda fuggin seen-yuuhh!! HELL YEAHHH!! I'm waaay hype. I got decent scores on my SATs, but I'm definetely going to work my ass off for a better score. I'm going to Six Flags this weekend (yay!). He'll be there to make it better because it totally sucked ass the last time. All I did was hold everyone's bags. It was freaking lame. I don't really expect to have that much fun, I don't get on the rides and the games are expensive. I already know what I'm wearing. I'm gonna look freakin hottt(yes, I had to add two extra "t"s). I want to go to Target tomorrow to see if they have cheap little sneakers(preferably Red Keds) in my size. I want to check out the bathing suits too. Hopefully, my mom takes me :T I'm excited. I'm proud of myself. I'm doing well. I get off track a bit at times, but I always bounce back :)

Raging Hormones Vs. Me

Obviously, I lose :T. I'm a loser. I am a loser. It's so bad I have to say it twice.. Only a loser is so consumed by their hormones as I currently am. Ugh, I'll just say it, I want to have hot sexy sex with him. I bet he's good. No, great. And if he's not, I know I'll be comfortable telling him exactly how I want it. Oh, the thought alone makes me tingle. I hate that I probably won't find out. I hate that I want to find out. It probably wouldn't be as good as I imagine anyway. Or maybe it would be better. I have a feeling that we're supposed to wait until we both get good at it and when we finally do it, it'll be like a supernova. Just, too much to handle. I have evil in the corner of my mind. I feel like finding sneaky ways to make him think about sexy sex. But I know it would only backfire and he will probably end up thinking about sexy sex with his LAG(who I doubt is sexier than me, which hurts) instead of me. Yeah, I changed my mind. Dammit, why isn't my love ever returned?? Only once have I felt like a guy was at least a tiny bit interested and he totally doesn't fucking count. Yes, it makes me want to curse. That's what happens when I have pent up desires. And DO I have pent up desires. It fucking sucks. I'm not willing to lower my standards/self respect to satisfy my evil hormones and release some frustration. I want it to be special. I want to be able to cuddle afterwards. I want to want to cook* for the guy when we're done because I feel close to him. I don't want to regret it. That's my worst fear. That's the problem, my fear won't let me take risks. But my fear is rational, I've been burned and I never want to feel that pain again. I prefer the pain of ignorance and desire over the pain of knowledge and rejection. After all, ignorance is bliss...


*omg, sidebar: this fucking guy makes me want to COOK for him! Like wtf? I don't cook! Goddamn hormones.

Relapse..

I've relapsed. I'm not proud of it. I just can't help myself. If it weren't for all the time we spend together, it wouldn't have happened. But it's not like I can just quit him cold turkey, I mean, he lives across the street, he has my number, we're FB friends, oh and the whole I love him thing. I hate myself for feeling that way(and admitting it). I actually said it out loud. I said it to someone. How could I?? I got over it, I did. I was fine. I felt better, but that clearly wasn't enough. It only took one day to ruin it all. It was the BBQ for my brother's birthday. He was misbehaving, but he's so cute. He got along with my family and he didn't eat any meat. I know this corny, and the exact reason I can't quit, but Seventeen Magazine said that a "sneaky way to tell he's into you" is when he mimics your behavior. And I'm a vegetarian. So he just randomly decided to go vegetarian at a BBQ? It's suspicious. I know I'm blowing it out of porportion but I don't care. I can't help but have this feeling that he and I will be a "we" one day. I've tried hard to remember if I felt this way about the others. Is this nagging feeling in my throat a repeat offender?? Am I just going through the motions again?? Will this, like the others, fade away and mean nothing in a little while?? Or are my feelings right and I'm not so crazy after all? Only time will tell. I'm starting to get that deja vù feeling. I feel nauseas from being up so late. So I'm going to sleep.

Meh.

My head hurts way bad. I'm sure it's because I was on Flickr for like an hour and a half. I'm also watching True Life, which is making single life seem AWESOME. These people, who are my age, are having huge problems in their relationships. It's called True Life:I'm Jealous. These people are miserable, and it's making me feel better(No, I don't care if it's wrong). I have a stupid test at 9am, I'm not worried. The test is a joke. Omg, this girl's boyfriend is a total a*hole. Meh, boys are dumb. I hope I never argue with my boyfriend as much as these people argue. It's terrible. I want to go on vacation. Somewhere with really old buildings. Somewhere that's the complete opposite of here. Like Amsterdam or Venice. Maybe Russia. I want to travel with the coolest person ever. A person with a positive attitude and is outgoing and fun. They should be good looking too, just because. I want to go to a party. I know that's really random, but I do. I need a GBF(Gay Best Friend) to give me a great makeover and go shopping at Limelight with me. *sigh* having a Random Thought Moment. I wish he loved me. But it's okay that he doesn't. He thinks I'm great and that will have to be enough. Kissing is overrated anyway. He's probably a bad kisser anyway. Omg my birthday is coming up! Wth am I gonna do? I think I'll just get pretty and roam around Manhattan with some friends. Oooh that actually sounds like a lot of fun.I just made my birthday plans... cool :)

It's 11:11, but I'm not wishing for what you might think...

I've come to my senses with a little help from my friends. Well, it was only one friend, but she's my best friend. She helped me realize that I was settling. I don't need him. I can do so much better. I'm looking for something specific and I shouldn't have to lower my standards or fall for every cornball because I'm not sure I can get it. It feels wrong typing this out, I'm not completely over it. I still have that feeling that I'm missing out on something if I'm not with him.  I'm putting a band-aid on my stinging "boo boo", but I know it'll stop stinging when someone comes along and kisses it( or hopefully even before that) and it'll turn into a scab; I won't even think about it anymore. I keep thinking about how in 10 years, none of this will matter, and it won't. So, why not save myself the trouble and just forget about it now? I think that's a good idea if I do say so myself. It feels good to get this out. I have to vent as much as possible. Even if I am confused. It helps so much. It clears things up. Thinking by myself, working it out with someone else, then blogging, that's my therapy. I like it. It works for me. *sigh* A great weight has been lifted. See? I can do anything and I prove it to myself every single day.I don't know why I worry so much, but I'm learning how to snap myself out of it. I love myself and I deserve nothing but the best. To recapitulate what I'm saying, I am (once again) perfectly fine with my Relationship(or lack of) status. The grass is once again a luscious green on my side. I'm okay again, hopefully for much longer than the time between the last time I said that and about 3 days ago :)

Shame on me/I can't stand myself

I found myself googling "good astrology love matches"... I've never been so ashamed. What the HELL is wrong with me?! Why can't I accept reality? I feel really guilty. I really do. Because I love him,(but I'm not in love, I'm not so delusional that I'll be "in love" with a person that doesn't love me back. Just thought I'd clear that up) so I keep imagining what our lives would be like when we live together. Yes, I wrote "when". No, I'm not going to change it. Although I'm not delusional enough to fall in love, I am delusional enough to believe deep down in my heart that we'll lose touch but, we meet again. By then I'll be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and he'll ask me out on a date. I'll say yes and on our date we'll realize that we know eachother. It's yet ANOTHER chance at love. We can't escape our fate, and we live happily ever after in our big gorgeous apartment. Or maybe we'll never really lose touch, and one day, as if it came to him in a dream, he'll say to himself "oh my gosh, I love this girl". I'll be resistant and reluctant, but I love him and have been waiting so long for this. It will be worth the wait. We may have our differences, but our love will keep us together. He understands me and I understand him and we live happily ever after. The best possible scenario I can think of is I finally find a fatal flaw, and stop imagining stupid happily ever after scenarios(and stop wishing his girlfriend was dead). I'll go with door number three Bob, make me hate him. And I mean for real, not get peeved but get over it and apologize because he really tried to help and I was being a total bitch. I don't pray,(because I don't believe in god) but I'm tempted to when things like this happen. I'm emotional. Intensely crazy person emotional, so when I love, I can't let it go so easily. Hope hard for me. Pray if you truly believe it will help. I need all the help I can get...

Today(Just because I can't think of a better title)

Today was a lot of fun. I hung out with Darling all day. It was great. We walked practically half of Manhattan and discovered the coolest place ever. I laughed so much. It was really enjoyable. He's a great friend. It's crazy because last night I had a HORRIBLE dream and we were arguing. I'm not totally sure, because I don't all the way remember,(*funfact* dreams begin to diminish as soon as you wake up) but I'm pretty sure we were fighting because I'm unhappy with our relationship status. Well, his relationship status, I wouldn't be unhappy if I had a relationship with a status. I wish there was something about him that I disliked enough to stop thinking this way. Unfortunately, the thing I hate most about him is his girlfriend. I wish she were imaginary. I need to stop. I'm fine with the way things are. I keep telling myself that, but I'm lying to myself. I know that I'm not fine with this. I mean, when we're hanging out, it feels more than friendship, then he mentions his girlfriend and I'm brought back to reality. Reality sucks. The whole day we hung out I was wishing that we were going to go back to our apartment and I would make us something to eat and we'd relax and talk about the day. I feel too strong a connection to him for this to end when our internship does. There's just no way. This is like my third post talking about him, which was not my intention at all. Anyway, I had a lot of fun. It was great that place we discovered(called Limelight) is the coolest place I've ever been. That's all for now, super tired and Bruce Lee movies are on, hopefully tonight's dream(s) is better than last night.

Psyched!

I'm sooo excited for my show on Monday. I'm going to be singing a song with Darling and our chemistry is electric(haha). It's going to be GREAT. I have my outfit prepared and tomorrow we're going to hang out all day. Right now I'm babysitting, so I'm hype for the cash I'm getting. I'm also super sleepy :T I'm going to buy a cute monokini or high waisted bikini from Forever21. Can't wait! I wrote out my budget, but I lost the paper I wrote it on, so once I get my check, I'll do another one. Okay, I should really go to sleep now, I have a long day ahead of me ^_^

Lucky Me!

I don't think I've ever felt so fortunate as I do now. Things are just falling into place. I've stayed with my grandparents the past couple of days. I need a break from the negative energy in my house. I feel really lucky to have a place to escape to. I can take a break from the chaos. Yesterday I went to see Cirque Du Soleil. I've been wanting to see it for the LONGEST and finally got the opportunity to see it. Awesome opportunities seem to just fall in my lap and I make sure to take full advantage of them. I'm sooo psyched about all the cool things happening in my life right now. I auditioned for a musical theater class, I'm eligible for a full scholarship to college, and I'm going to be performing on Monday. Screw that depressed crap, I'm doing things by myself for myself. I can do anything I set my mind to and I don't need anyone to validate me. With all the positive things, there's always going to be setbacks. Like I said, there's a lot of negative energy in my house. Plus, I have these random bouts of sadness. I'm starting to feel hopeless and insecure about my appearance again. I've been shaking it off though. I've also been getting really sick. I may have mentioned my frequent headaches in a past post. One day in class, I suddenly got super dizzy and nauseous out of nowhere. Hopefully, my appointment with the neurologist will shed some light on what could be going on. So, at the moment, I feel pretty good. And this time, it's all my fault :)