Flimsy Friendships

I hate that so many things remind me of the friends I used to have. I hate that they're not my friends anymore. I hate that I didn't make friends with better people. Or at least people that were better for me. Why does stuff like this always happen to me? I feel like I'm constantly asking this question. I keep telling myself that I'm going to change and surround myself with people that never make me feel bad about myself or inadequate or just like shit in general. Yet somehow I always end up alone. I always end up by myself without so much as someone to text. I feel like I've never had real friends. My friendships are so flimsy. Friendship isn't supposed to be flimsy. It's supposed to be iron-clad. It's supposed to have a shelf-life much longer than the friendships I find myself in. I find myself thinking God, I can't stand these people a lot more than I feel I should. I guess once I settle into these relationships it feels like I have no way out. I become comfortable. Who else is there anyway? It's so much work to find things in common with a whole new person, to get comfortable with them and learn all about their life and its intricacies. I ignore the annoyance and the discomfort and the feeling like shit for far too long. Then, when I get pushed to my very limit, I'm done. Nothing will bring me back. I've noticed that they never try to get me back though. They never really cared. What am I then? Filler. I just took up space in their brain but I never actually meant anything. I never made an impact. Time was simply being wasted. Too many of these failed friendships leave me feeling this way. My mother said something about my first heartbreak. I think I've already had it. It just wasn't a boyfriend. It was, however, people that I thought I would never lose touch with. People I thought truly understood me and cared about my well-being. But they don't and never did. People who care about each other don't treat each other that way. They don't make each other feel insignificant. Now I have no one. I have no real friends. I have no best friend. I have no boyfriend. I have no one to hang out with. I have no one to text all the time. I have no one to complain to. I have no one to work out with. I have no one to have inside jokes with. I have no one to have sleepovers with. No one to do illegal things with. No one to share secrets with. I feel so alone. Fun and friends are like a distant, slowly fading memory. I never thought this is what my life would be like. And all I can ever think is what am I doing wrong?? What have I done to deserve this? How could I have prevented this? What is so bad about me that everyone leaves me? Why does everyone leave me? Why doesn't anyone care about me? Why do I keep having to start over? What is so difficult about loving me? Wh am I so hard to love?

Until Next Year....

Can a boyfriend like fall out of the sky for me? I feel fat and ugly, I wish my hair would grow 5 more inches over night, and I wish my closet will fill with gorgeous clothes and accessories. I wish a super cute guy would ask me out. I wish I at least had friends. I feel like I always want these things. I feel like I will never get these things. Why can't I just be content with what I have, how I look, and my life in general? This is useless. Maybe things will change for me in January. I don't know, maybe things will get better for me. for now, I'll just keep eating (slightly) healthier and working out regularly.

C.R.U.S.H

     Yet another post about a crush. Did you really expect anything more from me? Let's stop this. I don't have a crush. He's ugly. He's completely not my type. The ONLY reason I feel this way is that he's kinda charming and he makes me giggle. He offers comic relief in the drab job I have, so my feelings are completely misplaced. He pays attention to me. We all know that that's all it really takes. I hate myself sometimes. I really, truly do. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE!!!!
    Okay, let me relax and think this over. There must be something other than the obvious that attracts me to him. This is what happens when I get a crush. When the person isn't around, I'm like ew. I don't like him at all. Then I'll see him and that strange fizzling thing happens in my stomach and I'm all like where the hell did that come from? And then he'll disappear from my sight and I'll be like OMG where did he go? Did he leave? He didn't even say bye! Wait, why do I care? He's not even a factor in my day! Ugh. And then BOOM I have a crush. Everything goes downhill from here. Then my thoughts become: why is he talking to that b*tch?! I'm way prettier than her! Am I? Omg, if he starts dating her I'll just die. Omg, he touched my hand, he must love me! Omg, I don't want him to love me! He's too ____! Omg, please God let him love me! He could never love me. I'm hideous. Omg, he texted me!!! "Hey"??? What does that mean?? Does he mean "Hey, I am totally in love with you"?! Omg, how do I even respond to that?! Hey is too casual. Hi is too eager. Hello, then? No, he might take that as I don't want to talk to him. Why hasn't he texted me back yet?!!! I have to wait exactly 10 minutes to text him back so I look busy. THIS IS SO STRESSFUL!!!!
   That's basically my life until I realize I hate him or that he really won't ever love me. I think he might kinda like me though. I don't know. The things I take as signs that a guy likes me usually don't mean anything and I'm just a psycho. Either that or I push them away once I being to see those signs. But I can't be sure because I've never had a boyfriend. So, who knows what I'm doing wrong. Anyway, for now I'm just going to relax. I'm not going to initiate conversation or try to be near him. It's soooo hard for me to hide my feelings, but I'm going to fight this with all my might! I hate that he isn't cute. I would feel better about this. At least the last guy I liked was physically attractive to some degree. I think it's better to have a superficial crush than a deep crush. Deep crushes are easier to confuse with love....