Dear You,

I love you. I wouldn't allow myself to love anyone, but you came into my life and made me love you. But I'm unsure. I don't completely trust you and I can't forget your past and what I've been told about you. I want so badly to just look past that and focus on you, but it's hard to because I know you have some of your past with you. I know you do because I do. I think we're victims of circumstance. I still firmly believe that right now won't be the end of our relationship and maybe I'm crazy, but I can't help it. I believe that one day, whether it's ten years from now or next lifetime, it'll be the right time for us. I'll be able to love you without hesitation because I know your past is where it belongs, in your past. I'll know because my past is behind me too. I know it won't work out right now. We're too young and dumb, but when we're old enough to give ourselves to each other without the destruction of youth and inexperience. It'll be almost perfect. Until that day comes, I'll keep my love for you in a little box in my heart, only to be opened when our love is almost perfect.

Today Was...(9/6/2011)

I started this post in September, but Blogger sucks so I wasn't able to finish it. It's not as long as I originally intended, but I wanted to post it anyway.

    Today started off super crappy, got even worse, then got a little better. In the end I'm left with slight discomfort in my stomach, a really cute new jacket that looks like it once belonged to my imaginary boyfriend, and the most awesome(and expensive) pair of boots I've ever bought. I feel way more prepared for school now. Well, not really. I STILL didn't finish my summer homework and I'm not even half way done. Ugh. I'm a horrible student. I really hope I have some hidden talent because at this point, my laziness and procrastination mixed with my desire for new and luxurious things to fill this void is poised to be my downfall. In other news, the middle of my back hurts reeeallly bad. My mom said it's my muscle. I'd like to know how the hell pain could have gotten there. It started this morning so I figured maybe I slept in an awkward position and that caused a strain in my back. But how freaking awkward can I position myself in my sleep?? I sleep in a full size bed and I'm not like ridiculously huge, so how the heck did I injure myself?? Most likely, it will remain a mystery. I just hope it doesn't last long and I don't go through it again. I have a feeling that my Senior Year won't be that great. I mean, I can only force it so much. Idk, I'm excited that it's almost over and  get to finally call myself a senior, but I wish I had spent all four years in one school and I had more memories and stuff to look back on. I guess the way I did things made me stronger in the end and helped me to learn more and save me from community college, but I still long to be able to say "remember freshman year when we..." I also feel little connection to my new "friends" most of the time I'm faking it. I know it's bad for my mental health, but it's the only way i know how to survive High school.

"I Can't Resist You"

I'm standing in my bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. My legs, buttocks, lower back, and stomach are covered in Nair:Shower Power Max, my eyebrows are perfectly arched, and my hair is sticking straight up. If anyone were to bust in here with a camera I would rip their head off and destroy any picture of me they may have snapped. Not that it wouldn't make for a hilarious picture and equally hilarious story. Yet oddly, in my ridiculous state I feel pretty. Until I step out of the shower and realize that the Nair didn't work. Not completely anyway. There are patches of hair left on my legs and like that, my mood is completely altered. I feel ugly and hopeless. I'll never feel really beautiful because of my gross body hair. I cry a little. I can't help it, I'm vain. I feel like total crap.Until I remember the text he sent me. I asked him if he thought I was pretty enough to be a model. He told me I was beautiful with a great personality, but I'm better suited for telling people what to wear than wearing someone else's designs. How is it that he understands me so well? He knows just what to say. At the same time, he's completely oblivious to the fact that he hurts me when he takes forever to answer my texts or doesn't text me to find out how I am for days. He seems to only text me when he wants something from me. That's what makes it all even worse. I hate that he makes me feel so great and so horrible at the same time. It really sucks. I'm not as crazy as I was a couple months ago, but the feelings are still there. I'm not stressing and moping like I used to, but I have my moments. I'm slowly feeling more and more indifferent toward him. Which is good. I still have the urge to tell him how I really feel, put his name back in my phone, and kiss him. But I also have the urge to forget about him forever, tell him off, and ignore him. The last time I saw him was randomly in PetLand. He tried run his fingers through my newly chopped off hair and I pulled away. It was a tiny victory for me. His texts make it even more difficult. He told me he couldn't resist me. Deep down, I know it's all bullshit, but I'm still a girl and there's still that nagging feeling that somehow, we were meant to be. *Sigh* What am I going to wear tomorrow?? I already need new clothes. The zipper on the jeans I just bought is broken and all of my other jeans are too small. They ride down too much and show my buttcrack. Maybe I'll wear a button down and boots tomorrow. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. I feel like wearing make-up. Why doesn't he love me? Can't he see how great we would be together?? Whatever, he's not the only "him" around. There will be another like him. I've waited this long... I kind of can't wait until tomorrow. I already feel beautiful, and make-up always enhances both my looks and feelings. Who knows, maybe someone will notice me. It's unlikely, but stranger things have happened.