FML![SQUARED]

I was just in a very bad place. I got really angry and depressed and hateful. I hate going to that place but after a nice shower and singing, I'm waaay better. I'm gonna keep the title the same. I started writing this at 7:O7, stopped to take a shower and make brownies, then came back at 9:42. I should really be studying and doing homework, but I really don't feel like. I just got over the worst rage headache and It's still lingering so I'm gonna chill out before I do any real brain work. Even though it's already almost 10 o'clock. I was gonna do some online chat tutoring thing but it just creeped me out so I decided to blog instead(I know, my priorities are totally effed up). I haven't talked to Wow in like a whole day! My phone is half way alive, the charger wasn't working but now miraculously it is. So we talked, but we haven't talked since yesterday. *sigh* he makes me sigh. Ha. Alright, I'm gonna try to get something done so until the next time you camp out all night and take a ride on the not so wild side.

-L.H. ♥

(p.s. sorry if the title was misleading.)

Oh no, am I delusional?

Unfortunately, I have to ask myself way too often if I'm delusional. It's because I have an inflated ego. It's bad because I have two sides. One is self-loathing, depressed, anti-social, and just a downer. The other is happy-go-lucky, optimistic, full of herself, and at times overly confident. I'm an extreme person so I'm either way up or way down, there doesn't seem to be any type of compromise or middle ground. It sucks. So when I'm in EgotisticalManiac mode, I'm sure that everyone is in love with me and I'm so loved and popular and I wanna go out and paahh-tayy blahblahblah. This can be good and bad. Having high self esteem is good and being happy is good, but when I turn everything about me I get absolutely monstrous. When I'm in E.M mode, I get totally delusional and my over-confidence causes me to do ridiculously stupid things and make an ass of myself(I know, I probably deserve it). When I get knocked off my self-made pedestal, I go into MyLifeSucksAndWillNeverGetBetter mode and stay there for a couple days(I know, I'm hardcore). The point is, I'm either up or down and being up causes me to fall down hard. Sometimes I don't even realize the Monster is taking over until it's too late. I have a way of fucking things up, it's just what I do. mmh. I don't know what else to say so I guess I'll leave it here. Until the next time sneak out the window and take a ride on the not so wild side.

-L.H.♥

What to do about Wow?

If you read the last blog you'll understand this one, if you didn't, then you might be a bit lost.

Pros:

• We have awesome conversations about everything.



• We have tons in common.



• We like eachother.



• He's gonna be moving near me soon.



• I make him nervous(I don't know why thts why a pro but it is.)

Cons:

• He's gonna be going off to college soon.



• We talk about sex more than anything else.



• We've never actually seen eachother.



• I'm not sure if he's serious or not because we've never met.



• I'm scared.

I'm not sure what outweighs what. Is it obvious to you? It's not to me :T

Made Another Mistake(what else is new?)

I think I've done something bad. I think I've made my psuedo relationship with the guy mentioned in *sigh*(let's call him Wow) revolve around sex. We're kind of ass backwards to begin with but I think I've made him believe that I'm gonna do things I'm really not ready for. I don't know what to do at this point. I guess I'll just have to wait it out. If he tries to pressure me it's over. I'm not cool with that at all. But if he's willing to wait for me then we could make it. I don't know, he's not gonna be around for very long. Eventually we won't be ale to see eachother. Long distance never works. I'm trying not to attatch myself but I'm finding it really hard. I wanna to fall in love with him and I want him to fall in love with me. I just want that warm loved feeling. Does that make me seem desperate? I hope not. I don't just want anybody, I want him. UGH. I think to much. That's what my problem is. I can't ever just go with the flow and be okay. I always have to think until my head hurts and muddles my emotions even more. I hate it. I wish I could turn my brain off for a while. I guess I could just think about the positive. Making lists helps me. Okay, I'll make a Pro and Con list. That's what the next blog will be. So if you want to, you can look at that. If you don't want to that's cool. Well, until next time you sneak out from your lover's bed to take a ride on the not so wild side.

-L.H. ♥

Piano Fingers *ouch*

Alright,you pretty much know what I'm gonna say if you've been reading these blogs. If you haven't been reading them, you still have hope. Basically, all I really say is I can't believe you're taking the time to read this and you're welcome to leave, blahblahblah. So I've been going a bit blog crazy. I've written what 3? 4? something like that in two days(I know, I have zero life). I just have so many things I wanna say and my family and friends have tuned me out(I clearly talk entirely too much). So this is my new outlet. I've been song/music writing. I would be texting the guy from *sigh*(see first blog), but my cellphone is in CellPhoneHell so no texting for me. Dissapointing. But I guess creating something, even if it does suck, better than obsessing over every little thing he says(like I said, no life). Anyway, I've been writing. Yeah, I don't remember where I was going with this. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, the reason this post is called what it's called is because I just finished playing the piano(I can't play, don't congratulate me yet) and my fingers were sore(Ithink I'm doing it wrong). I was trying to compose music for the song I was writing. It's not a very good song, but whatever. I'm running out of things to talk about. So, I'll stop. I'm amazed you got this far, it's quite impressive. So you're reward is my song of the day(which I didn't write), and it is: Amour Du Sol by Yelle( I'm listening to it now). It's dedicated to you☻ Well, until the next time you venture from the safety of your hidey hole and take a ride on the not so wild side.

-L.H ♥

Stupid Love.

Hello again, I have a lot on mind today, which is why I'm blogging like a psycho. despite the title, this isn't about a boy. No, it's about a best friend. I can't really call her much of a best friend, we don't hang out anymore, we don't even really talk. When we were true best friends, I always felt the urge to protect her. To save her from misery, to clean her wounds, and clean her boo-boos. I know it seems weird, but I did. I think it has something to do with the fact that she doesn't have a mother. Maybe somewhere in my strange brain I tried to be her mom a little so I had to save her, which is weird because I never want kids. Anyway, I love her. Me, her, and my other BFF(who I still talk to nd hng out with) were like a fearsome foursome, minus one. I love them both loads. But the motherless one, let's call her Tweety, was the flaky flighty one and whenever she would meet a boy that showed interest in her we'd lose her. I know, not much of friend, but me and my other friend, let's call her Frenchie, still loved her, still stuck by her, still supported her. Until we lost her for what seemed like the last time. I was angry at Tweety. She cut ties with us. Frenchie was upset too, but she gave up trying to save her. She figured it was a battle she would never win, she's right, how do you save a person from themselves? You can't, you can try, but only they can save themselves from themselves. Anyway, I recently saw Tweety on the bus and she was updating me on her life and I felt really bad. I immediately stopped being mad at her. She's going through so much and of course the love I have for her makes me want to protect her and cheer her up. I want to run through the streets screaming and laughing, The Fearsome Four, minus one all over again. It hurts me that we can't. So the main topic of this Bloggity blog blog is why does love HAVE to hurt so much? Why does it hve to cause happiness AND emotional distress? It's ironic that we all crave it and it ends in pain more times than not. *sigh* well, I guess I'll leave it at that for now. I'm listening to the Spice Girls(Spice Up Your life is currently playing) and this is bringing me down a bit. So, until the next time you decide to waste more of your life by taking a ride on the not so wild side.
-L.H ♥

Stupid Land of Nod.

Hello bored one still reading my blog and/or innocent one unaware of the grave risk your'e taking by reading this bloggarific blog(risks include: severe boredom, incredulous expression, loss of and hope, and in some cases, weight gain). I guess I should thank you for reading and you should get some sort of reward for continuing to read. I'm impressed. Well, I'll be helping you waste precious life by talking about dreams. Me and dreams have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes they enforce an intense crush I have and I like them because the dream was just so freaking sweet. But that can be bad thing because having a dream about me and the crush being together can give me false hope and make me delusional. That's never good. It makes me think there's a chance someone who I see in person will take an interest(if you read the last blog, remember that me and that guy never met but we like eachother, and I'm sure if we met in person first, he wouldn't like me, which was the last Blog's problem). Well, last night I had a dream like that. A totally yummy boy(that I've seen couple times, no I didn't invent him) was in my dream. It was awful because throughout the whole stupid dream I was like trying to get him to notice me(story of my life: hardly noticed or very noticed but not acknowledged) I was just behaving really odd. The whole dream was more like a nightmare really. I was embarrassing myself severly but I kept doing what I was doing. I don't remember the dream exactly but I know it was horrible. I'll forget about it soon enough but it's fresh on the mind since I woke up not too long ago. Anyway, the point is, sometimes dreams fucking suck to highest degree and sometimes they make me wke up smiling. I guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll write an actual dream one day and post it. It's hrd though becuse my dreams are so fucked up and bugged out that I don't even know how to organize it into coherent sentences. Alright well, thanks for wasting your life with my thoughts, until the next time you decide to take not so wild ride.

-L.H ♥

(btw, I'm aware some of my words are missing 'a'. It's because the dumbass 'A' key likes to stick and I type kind of fast when I'm rmbling so I don't feel like going back and pressing the key super hard , I don't find it all that neccessary anywy, you can still understnd the word.)

*sigh*

If you were brave enough to read my rambling thoughts I applaud you. I don't even like to pick my own brain. My brain is a scary place. It's indecisive and worn. It's severly tired nd emotionl but somehow I'm still functioning and my brain has yet to melt into total mush. Well, now that you've gotten a tiny glimpse of my thought process, I wouldn't blame you if you ran away. I wouldn't blame you if you turned around and never looked back. Now that I've invited you to leave and youv'e decided your'e bored enough to find out what the fuck my problem is, I'd be happy to tell you. It's about a boy. I know, you're shocked! A teenage girl has boy dilemnas?! No way! SHUT UP! Well, as shocking as it is, I am. There shouldn't be a problem, but somehow in my demented little mind there is. He's a little older(2 tiny years) and he's the coolest guy I've met in a while. I can't tell you exactly why I like him, but I do, and there's not much I can do about it. It might be that he gives me attention(I know, I know, you're thinking: what a sad little skank.) but I like to think it's because we have so much in common and I feel like we could talk about anything. So you're wondering: well what's the problem? Is he gay? Taken? Not interested? No, he's totally straight, single, and he likes me back. Now you think I'm wasting you're time, but you're wasting you're own, I told you tht I wouldnt mind if you left. The problem is we've never met. No, he doesn't only exist in my mind. I met him through friend(who hasn't met him either) and we've only ever tlked throught texts, IMs and once(to my absolute delight) on the phone. Maybe you're still wondering why I'm sighing. Well, since we've never met I don't know if he's serious or jut fucking with me. I mean, he seems sincere but how can I be sure? Plus, what if we do meet and he totally loses interest because of how I look? I'm not very pretty. Don't roll your eyes because you think I'm fishing for compliments, I'm not and I'm offended you would think that. I'm really not. And I'm scared that even though we clicked so well, our expectations and imaginations will dissapoint us in the end. He probably imagines me as way prettier than I really am. I don't really have expectations or anything, I like him for him
(what else do I have to go by?) so I'll like him even if he wasn't super hot or even all that cute. Not that my standards are low, but he's too good a thing for me to let go because he's not very attractive. *sigh* I don't know. We're both a little hesitant. Sometimes I wish he would just ask me out directly(he kinda already did but we both kind of dashed the idea for a couple of really good reasons) but since then the obstacles we once had are vanishing and he hasn't pounced. I have the urge to pounce myself; lay it all out on the table(again) but I don't want to pressure him or scare him away. I have a strong personality at times but I'm not gonna demand that he make a split decision and put him on the spot or anything. I don't know what to do. Trying not think about it is near impossible. Everything reminds me of him and how much I like him. This shouldn't be this hard ever. I know that for sure.I'm gonna stop typing before depression starts to set it. Well, until the next time you venture out from underneath your mum's skirt and take a ride on the not so wild side.
-L.H. ♥