Ch-Ch-Changes

Nothing that drastic has changed. It has gotten very warm, so I'm wearing as little clothing as possible without being sent home from school. I no longer have a crush on PS. He's whatever. I don't even remember why I thought I liked him in the first place.. I kind of saw this coming though. I started to get depressed for a bit when I thought about how great it would be if Darling and I got together. If he didn't have a girlfriend, I wouldn't feel depressed, but his relationship status causes me sadness. I refuse to compete with another girl, especially one I've never seen. It kills me because I was perfectly fine with the way things are until someone pointed out what a great couple we would make :T plus, him constantly flirting with me doesn't help anything. AT ALL. He gives me like special attention and we walk home together practically everyday. But you already know why I love him. What's not to love?? *sigh* Things like this make me give up on guys.. Anyway, I dyed my hair. It's red now. It looks like red velvet cake. I like it a lot.

Quick Note About the Last Post (Sickness)

I wrote that post Tuesday, May 24, 2011, but fell asleep before I could press the "publish post" button so I did it just now. This post was just for archiving purposes, I have no new developments(well, I do, but it's late and it's way too much to think/write about right now...)

Sickness.

Today sucked. I feel like total crap. I felt this way all day long. Darling helped by making me laugh, but overall, I felt bad. I'm really tired and I don't know why I even started this.. I'm medicated and muddled.

I Really Am Fine(who knew??)

Okay, Darling made me feel so much better. I swear, he's amazing. I'm glad we reconnected, I would still be in the dumps right now if it weren't for him. I never expected I would ever say that. Talk about fate. That's so cool. I just wanted to balance out the sadness of the last post. I'm done with that depression crap. My life is good and it's mostly my fault so why sweat the small stuff? I already proved to myself that I can do anything. So my new attitude is bring it on.

You Seem to Believe You Belong to Someone Else...

I was just in the middle of making History flashcards(I have an A in the class, but I know I'm going to be screwed next year because I don't actually KNOW anything) when I suddenly got really sad. I'm so relationship impaired. I haven't talked to one of my "best friends" in months and I haven't talked to the other since she didn't come to see me perform in front of people by myself for the first time and didn't bother asking me about it. The person I'm closest to right now is Darling and I have to censor myself because he's a guy(and to be honest, I don't completely trust him). I don't feel like I have anyone that I can really count on. And I'm starting to think PS likes someone else, or just doesn't like me period. The only reason I feel sad is I know in my heart that most likely, he doesn't like me. Why do I even care?? I'm wasting time feeling bad about people that obviously don't care about me and aren't going to help me be successful when I need to be working hard to get myself together and do good in school and succeed in life. In a little while, those people will be nothing more than a footnote. They'll be as important to me then as BFKAW is to me now(for lack of better example). I just can't wait to go to college and start over...

My, My..

Wow. I just read my very first Blog Post ever. So many things have changed since then... Crazy how that whole post was about a guy I don't even think about anymore. Since then I've been through so much and those problems are so foolish to me now. Even the way I write is different. My writing was poetic to please the audience I imagined was religiously reading my blog. Now, I just write for me. I'm more realistic and I make my own happiness instead of waiting around for someone else to make me happy. Part of that is my firm refusal to change for anyone. I've made that mistake before and I won't make it again. I've stopped trying to force things to happen also. If something is meant to happen, it will. I've changed my way of thinking and it feels good. I feel like I've freed myself from my own backwards thinking. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bouts of unexplained sadness and ridiculous confusion, but I can handle it so it doesn't last as long. I'm proud of myself. If you were me, you would be too. I recommend reading this blog from the very beginning if you want to truly understand and appreciate where I'm coming from. I know I'm not "there" yet, but I can feel myself getting closer.

Totally Random.

Okay, so I know this is totally random and I'm SUCH a girl for this, but PS liked one of my photos on FB and I'm freaking out!!!I know it's totally no big deal, but I can't help feeling giddy. When I saw the notification I got those butterflies. But I am starting to question if I even really like him. I might have jumped the gun a bit. I mean, I've only actually hung out with him twice and even though I do think he's a cool person and he's funny and nice to hang out with and he might even like me, I'm starting to rethink whether or not I actually see him that way. This is off topic, but once we were going over this high overpass thing at a train station and idk if you know, but I'm afraid of heights, and he was close, so I held on to his bicep and he flexed his muscle. He also comforted me. Well, he said that if I fell from that height I wouldn't die. Haha. (And I might as well confess, I wasn't all that scared.) Idk, the bicep flexing, the comforting, what would you make of it? Because I don't know what to make of it. I guess I shouldn't think too hard about it. It probably means nothing. He said that he was "very superficial" so he probably doesn't or won't ever think of me that way. And it's okay because I'm not even sure if I think of him that way. Can you tell I'm confused? I am. Ugh. I'm getting a bit of a headache. I think it's time to end this post.

The Precious/Odd/Confusing Moments Between PS and I

Moment One
Me: Are we going to eat soon? I'm so hungry.
PS: Yeah. We could eat your earrings. They look so edible.
Me: Yeah, they do look like you can eat them...
PS: They look so eatable. *inaudible* nibble your ears.
Me: *shocked face* *nervous giggle*

Moment Two
Me: Curiosity killed the cat
PS: *I don't remember his response*
Me: The comeback to that is satisfaction brought him back.
PS: What? How would that work? *something about sex*
Me: Why do you equate satisfaction with sex? You can get satisfaction from other things...
PS: Yeah, but that's just what I thought of when you said satisfaction..

Wow. So this is officially the first guy I'll actually post conversations that we've had. Only because I think he'll be the second crush to not hurt me in some way.(yes, only second, and I've had TONS of crushes.)

"Hispanic Girls Fall in Love Every 5 Seconds!!!"

So it must take me twice as long since I'm half hispanic xp...
Yes, there's someone new. Don't get me wrong, I totally love the guy I was talking about in the last post(let's call him Darling). He's a great friend and blah blah blah.. But there's another guy now. He's amazing. I'll just call him PS[don't question it]. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is.. It's how he makes me laugh, how he looks at me, he's smart. Ugh. I hate liking people. I know that sound weird but it makes me feel extremely vulnerable. To me, when you admit you think you might have feelings for someone, you might as well prepare yourself to get hurt. I know it's very defeatist of me(as BFKAW would say *THROWBACK ALERT!!!*), but I can't help it. Decidedly, I haven't been hurt THAT many times, but it's enough to make me feel the way I do about relationships. Well, back to PS. I'll admit, he's not as cute, outgoing, or charming as Darling but I think that's part of what I like about him. He has that humor that I like. I'm attracted to his mind.. uh oh, deja vú.. I remember saying the same thing about BFKAW... but he's different... right? Only time will tell. Or maybe it won't. I'm a chicken as you may know and I'm sure nothing will come of this.[OMG sidenote: this post is taking me THREE DAYS to write!! Because stupid Blogger decided to shut down. Blugh. I don't even remember what I was thinking when I started this stupid thing. I guess I'll just start over :T] So Darling said that he thinks PS likes me or another girl. But his reasons aren't concrete enough for me to get excited. He could have a girlfriend for all I know. I do like to imagine what it would be like if we went out. Idk. I can't imagine how I look with anyone, but that's because I think I'm ugly. I could imagine him saying nice things to me. Omg, that reminds me, he said something that deserves its own post. So I'm ending this fail of a post so that I can properly archive that moment.

[Oh no, is it bad luck to blog about a boy on Friday the 13th?!?! This is all Google's fault...]