Flimsy Friendships

I hate that so many things remind me of the friends I used to have. I hate that they're not my friends anymore. I hate that I didn't make friends with better people. Or at least people that were better for me. Why does stuff like this always happen to me? I feel like I'm constantly asking this question. I keep telling myself that I'm going to change and surround myself with people that never make me feel bad about myself or inadequate or just like shit in general. Yet somehow I always end up alone. I always end up by myself without so much as someone to text. I feel like I've never had real friends. My friendships are so flimsy. Friendship isn't supposed to be flimsy. It's supposed to be iron-clad. It's supposed to have a shelf-life much longer than the friendships I find myself in. I find myself thinking God, I can't stand these people a lot more than I feel I should. I guess once I settle into these relationships it feels like I have no way out. I become comfortable. Who else is there anyway? It's so much work to find things in common with a whole new person, to get comfortable with them and learn all about their life and its intricacies. I ignore the annoyance and the discomfort and the feeling like shit for far too long. Then, when I get pushed to my very limit, I'm done. Nothing will bring me back. I've noticed that they never try to get me back though. They never really cared. What am I then? Filler. I just took up space in their brain but I never actually meant anything. I never made an impact. Time was simply being wasted. Too many of these failed friendships leave me feeling this way. My mother said something about my first heartbreak. I think I've already had it. It just wasn't a boyfriend. It was, however, people that I thought I would never lose touch with. People I thought truly understood me and cared about my well-being. But they don't and never did. People who care about each other don't treat each other that way. They don't make each other feel insignificant. Now I have no one. I have no real friends. I have no best friend. I have no boyfriend. I have no one to hang out with. I have no one to text all the time. I have no one to complain to. I have no one to work out with. I have no one to have inside jokes with. I have no one to have sleepovers with. No one to do illegal things with. No one to share secrets with. I feel so alone. Fun and friends are like a distant, slowly fading memory. I never thought this is what my life would be like. And all I can ever think is what am I doing wrong?? What have I done to deserve this? How could I have prevented this? What is so bad about me that everyone leaves me? Why does everyone leave me? Why doesn't anyone care about me? Why do I keep having to start over? What is so difficult about loving me? Wh am I so hard to love?