C.R.U.S.H

     Yet another post about a crush. Did you really expect anything more from me? Let's stop this. I don't have a crush. He's ugly. He's completely not my type. The ONLY reason I feel this way is that he's kinda charming and he makes me giggle. He offers comic relief in the drab job I have, so my feelings are completely misplaced. He pays attention to me. We all know that that's all it really takes. I hate myself sometimes. I really, truly do. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE!!!!
    Okay, let me relax and think this over. There must be something other than the obvious that attracts me to him. This is what happens when I get a crush. When the person isn't around, I'm like ew. I don't like him at all. Then I'll see him and that strange fizzling thing happens in my stomach and I'm all like where the hell did that come from? And then he'll disappear from my sight and I'll be like OMG where did he go? Did he leave? He didn't even say bye! Wait, why do I care? He's not even a factor in my day! Ugh. And then BOOM I have a crush. Everything goes downhill from here. Then my thoughts become: why is he talking to that b*tch?! I'm way prettier than her! Am I? Omg, if he starts dating her I'll just die. Omg, he touched my hand, he must love me! Omg, I don't want him to love me! He's too ____! Omg, please God let him love me! He could never love me. I'm hideous. Omg, he texted me!!! "Hey"??? What does that mean?? Does he mean "Hey, I am totally in love with you"?! Omg, how do I even respond to that?! Hey is too casual. Hi is too eager. Hello, then? No, he might take that as I don't want to talk to him. Why hasn't he texted me back yet?!!! I have to wait exactly 10 minutes to text him back so I look busy. THIS IS SO STRESSFUL!!!!
   That's basically my life until I realize I hate him or that he really won't ever love me. I think he might kinda like me though. I don't know. The things I take as signs that a guy likes me usually don't mean anything and I'm just a psycho. Either that or I push them away once I being to see those signs. But I can't be sure because I've never had a boyfriend. So, who knows what I'm doing wrong. Anyway, for now I'm just going to relax. I'm not going to initiate conversation or try to be near him. It's soooo hard for me to hide my feelings, but I'm going to fight this with all my might! I hate that he isn't cute. I would feel better about this. At least the last guy I liked was physically attractive to some degree. I think it's better to have a superficial crush than a deep crush. Deep crushes are easier to confuse with love....

Here I Go Again...

First post of 2012 and it's about a guy -___- typical... I'm doing it again. I'm falling in like with a guy whose type I am the opposite of. But he's so cute!!! At least this one is single. And tall. And reeeaaally cute. I hate myself sometimes. Oh jeez. We're just friends. Friendship is safe. I keep imagining in my head ways to attempt to change that, but I'm too scared. I have no idea how to change it without making a fool of myself. Even worse, I am so bad at reading guys, so how can I know that he will respond well. With guys, every time I think it's going somewhere, I'm completely wrong. I love making lists about my dilemmas though.. so I'll make a list now:

                                        Why I Should:

1. We seem to be getting close*
2. I never take chances when it comes to things like this.
3. He paid for me when we went out to eat for a friend's birthday**
4. He's sensitive.
5. He likes dogs.
6. He has a job.
7. He's really sweet.
8. He makes me laugh.
9. His eyes turn green when he cries***
10. He's a good kisser****
11. He's caring.
12. I LOVE the way he smells and how his body feels when it's against mine.
13. He's idk. I really like spending time with him...

                                        Why I Shouldn't

1. He likes/liked someone else*
2. The girls he seems to go for do NOT fit my description.
3. His sexual history concerns me.
4. I don't know if can handle more heart pain.
5. I'm not sure if he would ever feel the same way about me.
6. He is asshole-ish at times and the other guys I have liked who had asshole tendencies turned out REALLY bad.
7. He's going to prom with the girl he liked/likes**
8. School is almost over, what's the point now??
9. He may have friend-zoned me because I friend-zoned him.
10. I have to protect myself.
11. He definitely doesn't feel the same way***
12. I'm scared.
13. I ALWAYS do this...which is fall in like with a guy who a) will never view me as more than a friend b) will never see the potential of "us" OR c) is TOTALLY wrong for me.

I honestly don't know which list outweighs the other, but for now, I'm going to keep him at arm's length(figuratively of course, because it would be impractical to cut off physical contact...)

* Like I said, I suck at reading guys, but we have had some sincere moments. Moments that were really raw and just between me and him.
** Before we went out to eat, we were at his house and I didn't know that we were actually going to a restaurant to go eat. So when I found out we were, I said "Oh, I guess I'm going home then" but he said "shut up, I'll pay for you". It was really sweet, and I had a great time and he kept asking if I was okay and offered to buy me Jamba Juice. And he did it all without that silent "okay, what will you do for me". I usually blow things like that out of proportion, but I keep telling myself that he would have done that for anyone and even more if he liked them.
*** No, he didn't cry in front of me. He yawned and his eyes teared, then turned green.
**** I could be wrong about that. When we made out I was a little tipsy, and let's be honest, I wouldn't know what a good kiss was if it slapped me. Well, in that case, I guess I would...

* I don't know if this is still true. It most likely is.
** He's going with her no matter what...
*** I just know... I can tell... I think... Maybe... fuck.

Insomnia...Perfect.

I can't sleep.. I just have way too much on my mind. I have a job interiew next week which is freaking me out. I'm getting a haircut and going shopping tomorrow, so of course I'm thinking about that. Ugh. I hate when I try to imagine or anticipate what's going to happen. It keeps me awake at night. It's really irritating. Anyway, I'm really excited about the job interview. I really hope I find the perfect outfit for it. That would REALLY help my confidence. Luckily, I have really good people skills and I find it very easy to strike up conversations with people. Signs of a salesgirl! *fingerscrossed!* Oh, how could I almost forget??? Shame on me! I bought new shoes!! :) They're BEE-YOO-TEE-FULL! Hopefully they come ASAP. It would be so awesome if they came in time for my interview! I wish you could see them BloggerMobile is acting like an asshole :T If you really want to see them, their Garolega style from Aldoshoes.com FAB. They also happen to be on sale. I got mine in beige. Super cute. I can't wait until they come. I'mobsessively tracking my order until they arrive. Little things like this are what spark my ambitions. I swear. They also keep me awake at night. I'm a little nervous about my haircut. I'm getting it similar to Agyness Deyn's haircut since we have the same face shape and I think I'm a supermodel. I'm scared about how it will turn out. I also want to dye my hair a really dark purple before school starts. Like, so dark it looks black. I'm not really nervous about that though. I think it will come out nice. And I can always do a strand test. If I get my hair cut into that style, however, it will make my hair the shortest it's been since I was a bald baby! I'm going for an edgier look though. Something girly but kickass. Like biker chick with a soft side. Bohemian belle with a dark side. Idk. I need to change up my style. Its getting stale. It should be a breeze if I get that job. Please, oh please let me get that job!. Oh no, it's 2:15 and I have to get up early for my hair appointment. Time to try to sleep :T