Reunited

I finally talked to him. It felt so good. I told him everything I felt. I apologized. He apologized. It'll never be how it was before, but it felt great to be honest with my feelings for once. The best part about it is that he didn't sound freaked out or annoyed or taken aback. He sounded like he genuinely felt bad about hurting me. I know that nothing is going to change significantly, but it's nice to get those feelings out.

Dreams.

I have the most explicit dreams. They are so dirty and weird. That's not true actually. Usually my dreams are just very strange. They rarely involve sex actually. Unless I go to sleep thinking about sex. Last night I don't remember thinking about sex though, then again when am I not thinking about sex? The weirdest part of this dream is that I was having sex with a really ugly guy. He was a bad kisser. He like shoved his tongue in my mouth. Ew. It was so vivid. I really felt his big slimy tongue in my mouth. Ick. We were laying in bed and I put his hands in my underwear. I was totally the aggressor in the situation. I was enjoying it until he stuck his tongue in my mouth. I would think my subconscious would know what a good kiss felt like. Guess not. Another strange thing: in addition to being ugly, he lives on my floor. I walk past him all the time. Since the dream I haven't seen him though (thank goodness). Now that I'm thinking about it, I probably would have sex with him if he took the necessary steps of course. His mouth isn't particularly attractive, but he's pretty tall and has that bad boy swag to him. I've heard he has a lot of sex, which doesn't necessarily make him any good or anything, but it might mean he has confidence, which is never a bad thing. There wasn't any actual P in V in this dream, just finger action. Oh gosh, how do I express this without turning this blog into smut? I guess there really isn't any way. Anyway, my thoughts during/after the dream were/are:

• Ew, Too much tongue
• Woah, what are you doing in my dream?
• Did I just do that?
• Sub-conscious! *Cher from clueless voice*

Oh, in other news, I totally caught a guy on my floor checking out my ass. That's right bby, soak it in ; )

Triumphant return

Oh my gawd guyz! I'm finally in school! Yes! YAY! Woo! Hoo! I'm so freaking happy. I love my school. I love studying and doing homework. I love everything! I ran into Tall ExBFF and his tiny girlfriend at Petland. It was slightly awkward, but oddly triumphant. Tiny girlfriend is such a shady girl. She barely said anything to me and looked at me funny(as usual). Whatever bitch. You're just mad because I'm not an insecure dwarf. I don't have to put others down to feel good about myself and I don't have to have sex with a guy before becoming official because I'm damaged or whatever your reasoning is. I don't cry over an equally insecure guy who obviously couldn't handle a relationship. I don't constantly question my worth or beauty. I'm actually doing something with my life. You aren't. So go ahead and cast your sideways glances, I will still be fucking fabulous and you'll still be a sad little girl. Shade aside, I was too busy freaking out to properly gauge the reaction of Tall ExBFF. My friend said he looked happy to see me. I replied that he always looks happy to see me. It's true. He is. Can you blame him? I'm great. I felt like I was his ex girlfriend. It was weird. I felt the history between us in that awkward hug and his questioning what I'm doing right now. I purposely said I go to the best school ever and beamed. I'm so happy without you. No, I'm so much happier without you. Look how great I'm doing. Look how good I look. Look at what you're missing out on. It felt damn good. You hurt me, but I've still come out victorious. Maybe it's immature, but I really don't care. He made me question myself and my worth. I have to reclaim how I feel about myself. I have too much pride. I deserve to be proud. Look how far I've come. I'm the fucking shit. Eat that bitch.

Strangers.

One of the first lessons we're taught as children is that we should never ever talk to strangers. Even if they have candy. Even if they have toys. Even if they say it's okay. Never ever, under any circumstances talk to strangers. Unless they're the police and you're lost of course, but that's irrelevant for right now. I have broken this rule. I have obliterated this rule. I have wiped this rule out of existence. I have been talking to as many strangers as possible. I'm playing a dangerous game. Even worse, I'm playing this game on the internet. Where I can't even see the strangers I'm talking to. I'm telling them my name and age and what state I'm in. This blog is dangerous. I'm revealing my deepest secrets to people I probably won't ever see. The blog is quite different from meeting a stranger online and then sending him your picture though. It wasn't a dirty picture, don't get cray! But it was a picture nonetheless. I don't really know why I did it honestly. I guess it's because he sent me a picture first and he was cute and he likes my personality. Maybe it's because the picture was blurry anyway and he's all the way in Canada(allegedly). Maybe it's because it was late and I was sleep deprived and delirious. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I never do anything that risky, and aren't all of our friends strangers first? I don't know, but it freaks me out. On the one hand, I guess I should stop being so insecure and accept the possibility that a really cute guy a) thinks I have a good personality b) thinks I'm "cute". On the other hand, I could be walking into a scary trap. I don't know this person and even though he seems willing to video chat with me, it doesn't mean that he's any less of a crazy person or more trust-worthy. He could be anyone behind the internet. Everything is always a problem for me. I keep asking the Universe for a boyfriend and then it puts a cute, interested guy in front of me, but SURPRISE he's far away. I can't catch a break. What I really want  to do, is delete every trace of him and forget he exists. But something is stopping me. Something that says wait, he might be pretty cool.  Who am I kidding? Even if he were anything good, he'd just be another Josh. Fuck it. Naming names. Deal with it. And anyway, what would even come from it? Nothing good. And in a couple days, I will be swimming in hotties. And what does he want with me anyway? It's all too sketchy. We haven't talked in a day, which was the first time we talked. He hasn't even been online. It wouldn't be a big deal if I trusted myself not to catch feelings. But I know myself, I'm a mess. I want so badly to be loved that I'll make that shit up. What a shame. Maybe I'll talk to him one last time. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

Dangerously in Love

One of my favorite Beyonce songs(though I have great difficulty choosing just one fave Bey song) is Dangerously in Love. I had forgotten about the song for a while, but remembered it and started singing it constantly.  My (now ex) best friend also loved the song and we would listen to it at least six times in a row on any given day. Anyway, I actually remember the day that I rediscovered the song. I remember that I didn't know all the words at that point and would only sing the chorus and bridge. The day I remembered the song, I was at a boy's house. It was late and I was pushing curfew. We were laying in his bed watching a movie. Actually, I was talking through most of it. I suddenly remembered the song and started singing it. I can't remember his reaction right now for some reason, but I'm almost positive that it wasn't a negative one. He liked when I sang to him. He was a bit of a brute, but he was very gentle in a way. He liked to be caressed. One time, he came over to my ex best friend's house and while she was in her room with her boyfriend, we watched t.v in the dark in the room next door. I sang to him and he told me I would make a great wife one day. I replied, "I know". That response makes me cringe now. Maybe if I had just said thank you things would have turned out differently. That's probably not true. That isn't who I am. I don't aspire to be a "great wife". I aspire to be a great human being. I don't want to be put in a box. I keep replaying scenes over and over again, changing things I've said and done, trying to find where I went wrong. I keep trying to figure out how I could have made him see how felt about him without the words ever leaving my mouth. Whenever I dare tell a guy how I feel about him, it always end in disaster. I realize now that there's nothing I could have done to change how our relationship. If he wanted to be more than my friend, he would have done something about it. It doesn't matter how many times he's complimented me. Or how many times we've cuddled under blankets. The time he tried to finger me without even talking to me about it is proof that he didn't really respect me. He doesn't really respect anyone. He's a nice person and makes people laugh, but he doesn't really show respect. That's something I wouldn't have tolerated as his girlfriend, and didn't tolerate as his friend. So, unless I compromised who I am and gave up control over what I do, we never would have survived. As friends, or otherwise. I will never ever allow someone to make me feel like I need to stop complaining or like scary movies or be someone I'm not. If you don't accept the good and bad parts of me, you won't have me at all.

Flimsy Friendships

I hate that so many things remind me of the friends I used to have. I hate that they're not my friends anymore. I hate that I didn't make friends with better people. Or at least people that were better for me. Why does stuff like this always happen to me? I feel like I'm constantly asking this question. I keep telling myself that I'm going to change and surround myself with people that never make me feel bad about myself or inadequate or just like shit in general. Yet somehow I always end up alone. I always end up by myself without so much as someone to text. I feel like I've never had real friends. My friendships are so flimsy. Friendship isn't supposed to be flimsy. It's supposed to be iron-clad. It's supposed to have a shelf-life much longer than the friendships I find myself in. I find myself thinking God, I can't stand these people a lot more than I feel I should. I guess once I settle into these relationships it feels like I have no way out. I become comfortable. Who else is there anyway? It's so much work to find things in common with a whole new person, to get comfortable with them and learn all about their life and its intricacies. I ignore the annoyance and the discomfort and the feeling like shit for far too long. Then, when I get pushed to my very limit, I'm done. Nothing will bring me back. I've noticed that they never try to get me back though. They never really cared. What am I then? Filler. I just took up space in their brain but I never actually meant anything. I never made an impact. Time was simply being wasted. Too many of these failed friendships leave me feeling this way. My mother said something about my first heartbreak. I think I've already had it. It just wasn't a boyfriend. It was, however, people that I thought I would never lose touch with. People I thought truly understood me and cared about my well-being. But they don't and never did. People who care about each other don't treat each other that way. They don't make each other feel insignificant. Now I have no one. I have no real friends. I have no best friend. I have no boyfriend. I have no one to hang out with. I have no one to text all the time. I have no one to complain to. I have no one to work out with. I have no one to have inside jokes with. I have no one to have sleepovers with. No one to do illegal things with. No one to share secrets with. I feel so alone. Fun and friends are like a distant, slowly fading memory. I never thought this is what my life would be like. And all I can ever think is what am I doing wrong?? What have I done to deserve this? How could I have prevented this? What is so bad about me that everyone leaves me? Why does everyone leave me? Why doesn't anyone care about me? Why do I keep having to start over? What is so difficult about loving me? Wh am I so hard to love?

Until Next Year....

Can a boyfriend like fall out of the sky for me? I feel fat and ugly, I wish my hair would grow 5 more inches over night, and I wish my closet will fill with gorgeous clothes and accessories. I wish a super cute guy would ask me out. I wish I at least had friends. I feel like I always want these things. I feel like I will never get these things. Why can't I just be content with what I have, how I look, and my life in general? This is useless. Maybe things will change for me in January. I don't know, maybe things will get better for me. for now, I'll just keep eating (slightly) healthier and working out regularly.

C.R.U.S.H

     Yet another post about a crush. Did you really expect anything more from me? Let's stop this. I don't have a crush. He's ugly. He's completely not my type. The ONLY reason I feel this way is that he's kinda charming and he makes me giggle. He offers comic relief in the drab job I have, so my feelings are completely misplaced. He pays attention to me. We all know that that's all it really takes. I hate myself sometimes. I really, truly do. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE!!!!
    Okay, let me relax and think this over. There must be something other than the obvious that attracts me to him. This is what happens when I get a crush. When the person isn't around, I'm like ew. I don't like him at all. Then I'll see him and that strange fizzling thing happens in my stomach and I'm all like where the hell did that come from? And then he'll disappear from my sight and I'll be like OMG where did he go? Did he leave? He didn't even say bye! Wait, why do I care? He's not even a factor in my day! Ugh. And then BOOM I have a crush. Everything goes downhill from here. Then my thoughts become: why is he talking to that b*tch?! I'm way prettier than her! Am I? Omg, if he starts dating her I'll just die. Omg, he touched my hand, he must love me! Omg, I don't want him to love me! He's too ____! Omg, please God let him love me! He could never love me. I'm hideous. Omg, he texted me!!! "Hey"??? What does that mean?? Does he mean "Hey, I am totally in love with you"?! Omg, how do I even respond to that?! Hey is too casual. Hi is too eager. Hello, then? No, he might take that as I don't want to talk to him. Why hasn't he texted me back yet?!!! I have to wait exactly 10 minutes to text him back so I look busy. THIS IS SO STRESSFUL!!!!
   That's basically my life until I realize I hate him or that he really won't ever love me. I think he might kinda like me though. I don't know. The things I take as signs that a guy likes me usually don't mean anything and I'm just a psycho. Either that or I push them away once I being to see those signs. But I can't be sure because I've never had a boyfriend. So, who knows what I'm doing wrong. Anyway, for now I'm just going to relax. I'm not going to initiate conversation or try to be near him. It's soooo hard for me to hide my feelings, but I'm going to fight this with all my might! I hate that he isn't cute. I would feel better about this. At least the last guy I liked was physically attractive to some degree. I think it's better to have a superficial crush than a deep crush. Deep crushes are easier to confuse with love....

Considering Life and Its Oddities.

I should rename the title of this post because it's misleading. What this post (like pretty much every post) is really going to be me rambling / complaining / feeling hungry. Why is it, that I get hungry the moment I decide to go to bed?? What kind of f*ckery is that??? Anyway, I'm listening to Semisonic's only hit Closing Time. If I had a boyfriend I would make that song the background music to our awful Tumblr couple video. I hate Tumblr couple videos but I can't seem to stop obsessively watching them. They usually consist of a boy and a girl who do nothing but laugh and play and kiss and have sleep overs. There isn't much talking, none that the viewer can hear anyway, and there is always a Jason Mraz or Owl City song playing. Oh and it's in black and white. No exceptions. You don't qualify as a cute couple unless you are in black and white. It also doesn't count if you haven't broken up at least once but you're "still so in love" because at 15, you've already met the love of your life of course. And it's legit because it's on Tumblr, at least twenty people reblogged it, and it has like 20,000 views on YouTube. If that's not true love, I don't knw what is. *barf* As much as I make fun of these people, I continue to watch their videos. I guess it's because I know if I were in their position, I just might do the same thing. Don't judge me. I am ashamed of myself, but can you blame me? I'm growing up during a time where it's totally normal to share every aspect of your life online, or the parts you want people to envy / pity / learn from at least. I mean, if you really think about it, this blog is just as bad, if not worse because there's no romantic song playing in the background. I'm so hungry. I'm going to try to sleep now. I spent all the time talking about Tumblr couples that I don't remember the original intent of this post. Oh well.

I Have a Headache: Thoughts on idleness and the depression it causes.

I finally understand why Trust Fund babies squander their small fortunes on stupid shit they only half care about.  Life is f*cking BORING when you don't have to worry about things like your next meal and paying rent. I'm the furthest thing from a so-called Trustafarian, but I don't have much to do since I'm not in school(please don't ask), unemployed, and without any money for daily entertainment. I have  virtually no friends and, I've deleted every social networking page I had to avoid falling into a deep, dark depression, which really leaves me with little to nothing to do. It's the worst experience I've ever had. I don't sleep until 3am and then sleep well into the afternoon just because I can. I devote the rest of the day to television, avoiding the fridge, tedious household chores, and spending hours on end on the internet. I bet you're wondering what I could possibly be doing on the Internet without Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. Well, I spend a lot of time on YouTube watching things like the "wild and out-of-control teens" episodes on shows like Tyra, Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, and Maury. I read the blogs of invisible people who seem so much cooler than me, but probably aren't. Most of my obsessive internet perusing begins at around 9 or 10 and continues until the wee hours of the morning. I never intend to stay up the entire night, making my eyes burn with the bright screen of my MacBook and eating full plates of food snacking, but that's how things end up. After passing out falling asleep, I usually wake up between the hours of 11am and 1pm, usually to the sound of my phone ringing because my one (consistent) friend wants to gossip, update me on college life, or hear herself talk because she's bored. After a conversation that's lasted longer than I would like, I either try to fall asleep (which never works out), or watch cartoons until I get so depressed that I just have to eat or ride bike or something. Now that I think about it, I don't do anything. My days are meaningless blurs with no actual events. The only thing keeping me from jumping off my building is the fact that a)the mere thought of my mother telling people I committed suicide makes me want to vomit and b) I know this will be over soon enough. I start work at a job I kind of already hate on Monday and in January I'll be in school where I belong. I have learned from this whole experience though. I like lists so let's put this in that format.

What I've learned from nearly going bat-shit crazy from idleness:

1. Having nothing to do makes you loathe people with deadlines, stress, and just something to do.
2. Being idle makes you want to blow everything way out of proportion just so that you can say something happened.
3. It's really embarrassing responding with the same deflated "nothing" whenever someone asks what you plan to do daily.
4. To avoid saying nothing (yet again) when someone asks what plans you have for the day you make up a plan you have no intention of following through, then making up a story about why it didn't work out later. This is even more depressing than responding "nothing" because now in addition to being a loser, you're a liar.
5. Being indoors all day causes headaches. Or maybe it's staring at screens. I'm still not sure on this one, maybe it's a combination of both.
6. Your family WILL take advantage of your idleness and there's nothing you can do about it because well, do you have something better to do? Exactly.

Mood Swing.

Today I felt very depressed. I stuffed myself with leftover chicken and ice cream cones in an attempt to curb my sadness. It didn't help. After I finished eating, the sadness was still there. I don't know what to do. I just have to wait for it to pass. All I do when I'm in this mood is sleep, eat, and avoid people. I just want someone who thinks I'm beautiful inside and out. I just want to cry. My appearance hinders me. I'm not attractive. I don't have pretty hair or a perfect smile. I'm not thin. I don't have slim thighs or a flat stomach. It doesn't matter how much I long for someone to love me the same way I love them, it won't happen. My skin condition is all people see. I'm so flawed. People just pity me. A guy doesn't want a girl that everyone pities, he wants a girl that everyone likes and thinks is beautiful. Why did God make me this way? I'll never understand. I feel so sad. No one sees me as I am. They only see my skin condition. They only ugliness. This must be what I deserve.

"I used to have a best friend..."

The title is a Facebook status that one of my friend's best friend posted. It is the repeating phrase of the day. Every time I think of anything that reminds me of her, the phrase plays again: I used to have a best friend... with emphasis on the words "used to" and a sad pause at the end. As if she died. I do feel like she died. I feel like I've experienced some tragic death. I'm not even sure if she considers our friendship dead. She hasn't said anything to me. I feel I've done all I can to fix things. Her silence seems to me her way of de-friending me. While I do feel a great loss and I don't understand why any of this even happened, I won't blame myself. I refuse. Reflecting on my actions, I have done no wrong. I want to cry, but I refuse. I will not allow myself to cry over something so trivial. God has done this for a reason. Such an abrupt end to a strong friendship doesn't happen "just because". If it ended at all. In my mind, it has. I have to stop setting high expectations for people. Most human beings will disappoint you and you have no one to blame but yourself for expecting anything from them in the first place. 

Life.

I feel so disregarded. I'm invisible in my own life. The people I thought would be there for me aren't. Everyone I meet ends up hurting me. I've come to the conclusion that it must be me. I must make it so easy to hurt me. If not, there would be someone I care about who hasn't hurt me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My expectations for others have always been too high. I expect others to treat me the way I want to be treated. It's clear to me now that people don't reciprocate. I can't understand why I know such shitty people. I can't understand why I trust people who clearly don't care about me. This is exactly why I'm so closed off to people. This is why I isolate myself for so long. I'm going to isolate myself again. I'm going to focus on my dreams and becoming successful. I'm used to being alone. It's nothing new. I think I'll be happier if I focus on myself and stop worrying about being friends with anyone. I'm moving anyway. It's better this way.

When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

I miss him sooo much. I'm not talking about text message guy, I'm talking about Super Crush turned "Best Friend". At least I thought I saw him as a friend. Ever since he started going out with her, it's like I don't even exist. I know he cares about me, and supposedly he misses me, but I feel like I've lost him forever. I know that's dramatic, but it feels dramatic. I'm leaving soon and if things continue this way, I'll leave without saying goodbye.  I have a feeling the girl he's dating doesn't want him around me and that hurts. I wish things could go back to the time I listened to his heartbeat. I should probably just cut my losses and pretend he doesn't exist anymore. In a way, he doesn't. The him that I cuddled with and watched movies with and held hands with for hours went away. He's someone different now. He's an uglier version. He's someone I don't even recognize. I don't even think there's anything I could have done to change this. All I can do now is appreciate the time I spent with him and dream of what could have been. I did love the time I spent with him. I loved how we were before he disappeared. I watched him fade slowly and I didn't quite understand what was happening until it happened already. I'm not sad or upset, or at least I'm trying not to be, because I'm grateful that I got to meet him and have the experiences we had. Just because I feel something for him, that doesn't mean we were meant to be together. That's something I have to learn.

What about me?

I've felt pretty unsupported these past couple of days. My best friend only ever wants to talk about her boyfriend issues and it makes me feel so alone. It's probably because it's that time and I'm an emotional wreck, but I do feel like ever since she became involved with this guy she isn't very helpful. Sometimes I think I'm being selfish, but I always listen to her problems and provide feedback. When I try to talk about my problems, it somehow turns into a discussion about whether or not she should break up with him. I honestly feel like of you have to question it so much, you shouldn't be in the relationship. It's annoying that people who don't even know how to take care of themselves end up in relationships, and I've never even experienced one. Not even a bad one. Well I've had a bad relationship, but it wasn't a real one. Don't I deserve a nice guy? I guess not. This is all I've thought about lately. 
Whatever. This is my life. Things will be different in college, it has to be. I'll just look forward to starting over.

Anxiety.

I can't sleep. I have too much on my mind. Plus, I ate stuff that was super sweet and the aftertaste is lingering. I could just brush my teeth, but meh. I'm nervous about all that's happening this month: two photography jobs, one for a wedding, and the other for a birthday party. The wedding is a huge amount or pressure because I wasn't even supposed to be hired and apparently, I'm too expensive. Such bullshit. Other photographers charge triple the amount I'm charging. And charge by the photo. Every time God gives me something, there's a catch or something broken. It's really depressing. I have cramps. I have no clue what I'm wearing to any of these events. I'm hoping my grandfather can take me shopping this weekend. That would solve that problem. I'm freaking out over school. It's sooo expensive and I'm so poor. Why couldn't my mother have started a college fund? Why couldn't some distant wealthy relative have taken me under their wing? When I was applying, I was told not to worry abut the cost of school. Now I'm being told that I'll be in debt forever. Who hates me and why? I feel like something either really good or really horrible is going to happen to me. Probably both. Most likely the latter. I think the chances of me falling asleep anytime soon are slim to none. I also think that my uterus is stretching a hole into itself. Whatever is happening in that region of my body, it's not good. It doesn't feel good anyway. I need to lose weight. I'm disgusting. I wish I would wake up, look in the mirror and find I'm beautiful. No pimples, no discoloration, no braces, long curly hair, perfectly white and straight teeth, a flat stomach, thin thighs, a perky round butt, full C cup boobs, and a sunny disposition. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. Why would God make me this way? Why would he give me this life? Why must I be so lonely and unhappy? I don't think anything will change when I move. I think I'm still going to feel ugly and ignored. I still won't find a guy who likes me as more than a friend and sees me as someone he would like to date. I think I'm always going to feel this way and it's really depressing. Every time I go out I think "maybe today will be the day that some interesting stranger introduces himself to me and we click instantly. Maybe today I'll meet my first real boyfriend. Maybe his parents and little sister will love me. Maybe he'll have the same skin condition I do. Maybe he'll call me beautiful and I'll believe him. Maybe we'll fall head over heels for each other and it'll be gross and annoying. Maybe I'll finally stop feeling so alone and hate myself a lot less. Maybe we'll fall in love and even when we break up, we'll never think negatively toward each other." But then I remember who I am and that life isn't a movie and I don't bother to comb my hair. Because what is the point of having pretty hair with an ugly face?  Or vice versa for that matter. Every time I think I'm getting a taste of love, it's just another loss and another scuff on my heart. I hope this is that dark time before the dawn people talk about. I'm going to attempt to get sleep now.

Boys.

I don't think I'll ever understand the opposite sex. Boys are like a foreign language I won't ever figure out. I need a translator or some classes. Something to help me decode this mystery. I'm being dramatic. I wouldn't know what to do with that knowledge anyway. It probably wouldn't change the state of my love life. I think I just have to wait. I've waited this long, what's a little while longer? I can only hope that he'll be worth the wait. I overthink things too much and probably ruin things that could possibly be great. Plus, I never ever make the first move. Ever. It's too risky and I'm not confident that I wont get laughed at or brushed off (again). That literally hurt my heart to type. I hate to feel this way, but I know if I didn't have my skin condition I would have better luck with guys. I hate myself for feeling that way. I hate myself for having the condition on the first place. I really don't think I'm attractive most days. I think I have to do so much to make myself look pretty. I feel like I have to be the sweetest, nicest, friendliest, most  obsequious I can be to compensate for how I look. I hate that I can't tell if a guy is looking at me because he thinks I'm beautiful or strange looking. I guess either way it doesn't really matter. For now, I'm going to hold on to hope because life is absurd, especially my life. I think I should end this now. I'm watching The Notebook for the first time. It's really nice so far.

Annoyed.

I'm ready to leave. I'm sick of this life. I've outgrown it. I'm ready for new experiences and people. I realized that I was holding on to the past. And trying to recapture what I had with him. But it's not going to happen. Anyway, I snapped out of it and I'm ready to move on with my life. If it hasn't happened already, it never will. Something I've learned from this whole situation things will either happen or they won't. Even if you do decide to fight and wait and fight some more, there is a good chance that you'll end up right back where you started. You may waste so much time and energy going after something that was never meant to be. We hate to think this way, but sometimes things are called "impossible" for the very valid reason that they really are. I like to think that we'll meet again. That our friendship was something really beautiful and real. That one day, under the most perfect circumstances, it can blossom into something more. And by that time, we'll both have grown into amazing people, fully capable of truly and completely loving each other. Because we love each other now, just imagine how our love could be at its full potential; after we completely love ourselves. It is my firm belief that you will NEVER TRULY love someone until you truly love yourself. Can I get an amen? Haha. I love to write. I feel like I lost a bit of my fire. I think I would enjoy writing collections of essays about my experiences and what I've learned from them. Kind of what Lena Dunham's character is doing on my new favorite show Girls. Omg, have you seen it? If you haven't, you must right away. It is amazeballs. It comes on Sundays on HBO. I love to sing. It makes me feel so good. When I find a guy crazy enough to date me, I'll sing to him every day. I think it's the sweetest thing when couples sing to each other. And I hate couples, but I think that is super duper cute :) as much as I can't stand people in relationships, I feel like I would be great in one. I'm a little scared that I would lose myself in one. It's so easy to lose yourself loving someone else. I see it way too much. You lose your sense of self. I'm not ready to become a unit. Until I'm a whole person, and I meet another whole person, I won't be ready to become part of a pair. I wish I could skip the whole coy cutesy boy-meets-girl part of dating and just be with someone. I just want to meet someone and it feel like we have been together for three months already. I want to skip the first date,  the "Does He Like Me?" Period, the honeymoon phase, the shut-off-the-rest-of-the-world-only-us  period and fast forward to the first argument. That's when you know you can get past anything. I want to know that we're going to last at least until we're sick of each other. I want to skip to the part where we're so in sync that no one notices anymore. That we finish each other's sentences and move as one body, but it's become so natural that it would only be weird to every one else of we weren't behaving that way. I want a relationship where our everyday routine is the highlight of our day. Where the most boring event is the most exciting simply because we are together. I want a relationship where when we spend some time apart, it's as relaxing and great as when we're together. I mailed the deposit for school today. It's official, I'm leaving. There's no turning back now. I'm terrified and delighted. This is the most exciting event in my life. Why am I so tired? Bleh. I feel like my life is beginning anew. It's a beautiful thing. I wonder if I'll remember this blog when I abandon my current life. I wonder if I'll ever do anything with this blog or let anyone read it. I don't think anyone will want to read it. I'm sleepy. Going to rest.... 

Spam

Despite the fact that his phone is off, I've sent him eleven text messages. I'm not sure how he'll take it. Hopefully he'll see it as I do: I miss him a lot and want to make up for lost time and make sure I hang out with him before school starts. I wonder what will become of us. I wonder if I'll meet a cute guy. I wonder if I'll suddenly become attractive or if a guy will find me attractive. I hate the mystery of the future. I'm also tired but my mind is racing. I hate that when I try to talk to my friend she talks about her boyfriend. You would think she would be more considerate. But no. I know better than that though. I've learned not to expect her to do anything for me. Maybe this move will be good for me. I know know it will. I'm starving. I love stream of consciousness writing. It's very liberating writing nearly every thought. It's also a bit amusing reading the result. I love to read what I thought about situations as they are happening and how my feelings have changed since then. I hope he's thinking of me too. He probably isn't but if he is, I hope he's thinking that he should text me as soon as he can. I wish he could know somehow that I love him and I constantly defend him. I should text him that. I hope he's in my dreams. I hope I'm in his. In the good dreams. I wish he wished I was with him. I hope he got taller. I hope he hasn't lost what I loved about him most. I hope he isn't with his girlfriend anymore. I hope he wants me. Okay. I'm going to dream. Not that I'm tired... I just like to dream.

Regret!

Here we are again. I may have missed out on a great guy. But I won't know until it's too late.  His phone is off which is why he didn't answer my texts. That's a little depressing, but a great relief that he isn't ignoring me. That would have definitely made me cry like a baby. I've been trying to keep my mind off of him by cyber stalking my future school. It helped a lot. Especially since some of my future classmates are quite attractive. And the events they host seem like a blast. The wheels are turning and life is happening. This is not- I repeat NOT A DRILL!!!! shit is getting real people. It's super exciting and transitional and beautiful and I have never been more happy. And scared shitless. I feel so fortunate. I feel like everything I've been waiting and hoping for is right there for me and all I have to do is take it. It's a liberating feeling. So, I'm wrestling with excitement and sadness and I hope excitement wins because sadness sucks and doesnt get you anywhere. I could sit and cry over the one who got away or I could look out for the one who will always stay. Besides, if we did decide to give each other a try, it would just be a fling because a long distance relationship is NOT something I want to be a part of. Okay, falling asleep, need rest, wish me luck!