I'm ready to leave. I'm sick of this life. I've outgrown it. I'm ready for new experiences and people. I realized that I was holding on to the past. And trying to recapture what I had with him. But it's not going to happen. Anyway, I snapped out of it and I'm ready to move on with my life. If it hasn't happened already, it never will. Something I've learned from this whole situation things will either happen or they won't. Even if you do decide to fight and wait and fight some more, there is a good chance that you'll end up right back where you started. You may waste so much time and energy going after something that was never meant to be. We hate to think this way, but sometimes things are called "impossible" for the very valid reason that they really are. I like to think that we'll meet again. That our friendship was something really beautiful and real. That one day, under the most perfect circumstances, it can blossom into something more. And by that time, we'll both have grown into amazing people, fully capable of truly and completely loving each other. Because we love each other now, just imagine how our love could be at its full potential; after we completely love ourselves. It is my firm belief that you will NEVER TRULY love someone until you truly love yourself. Can I get an amen? Haha. I love to write. I feel like I lost a bit of my fire. I think I would enjoy writing collections of essays about my experiences and what I've learned from them. Kind of what Lena Dunham's character is doing on my new favorite show Girls. Omg, have you seen it? If you haven't, you must right away. It is amazeballs. It comes on Sundays on HBO. I love to sing. It makes me feel so good. When I find a guy crazy enough to date me, I'll sing to him every day. I think it's the sweetest thing when couples sing to each other. And I hate couples, but I think that is super duper cute :) as much as I can't stand people in relationships, I feel like I would be great in one. I'm a little scared that I would lose myself in one. It's so easy to lose yourself loving someone else. I see it way too much. You lose your sense of self. I'm not ready to become a unit. Until I'm a whole person, and I meet another whole person, I won't be ready to become part of a pair. I wish I could skip the whole coy cutesy boy-meets-girl part of dating and just be with someone. I just want to meet someone and it feel like we have been together for three months already. I want to skip the first date, the "Does He Like Me?" Period, the honeymoon phase, the shut-off-the-rest-of-the-world-only-us period and fast forward to the first argument. That's when you know you can get past anything. I want to know that we're going to last at least until we're sick of each other. I want to skip to the part where we're so in sync that no one notices anymore. That we finish each other's sentences and move as one body, but it's become so natural that it would only be weird to every one else of we weren't behaving that way. I want a relationship where our everyday routine is the highlight of our day. Where the most boring event is the most exciting simply because we are together. I want a relationship where when we spend some time apart, it's as relaxing and great as when we're together. I mailed the deposit for school today. It's official, I'm leaving. There's no turning back now. I'm terrified and delighted. This is the most exciting event in my life. Why am I so tired? Bleh. I feel like my life is beginning anew. It's a beautiful thing. I wonder if I'll remember this blog when I abandon my current life. I wonder if I'll ever do anything with this blog or let anyone read it. I don't think anyone will want to read it. I'm sleepy. Going to rest....
