I can't sleep. I have too much on my mind. Plus, I ate stuff that was super sweet and the aftertaste is lingering. I could just brush my teeth, but meh. I'm nervous about all that's happening this month: two photography jobs, one for a wedding, and the other for a birthday party. The wedding is a huge amount or pressure because I wasn't even supposed to be hired and apparently, I'm too expensive. Such bullshit. Other photographers charge triple the amount I'm charging. And charge by the photo. Every time God gives me something, there's a catch or something broken. It's really depressing. I have cramps. I have no clue what I'm wearing to any of these events. I'm hoping my grandfather can take me shopping this weekend. That would solve that problem. I'm freaking out over school. It's sooo expensive and I'm so poor. Why couldn't my mother have started a college fund? Why couldn't some distant wealthy relative have taken me under their wing? When I was applying, I was told not to worry abut the cost of school. Now I'm being told that I'll be in debt forever. Who hates me and why? I feel like something either really good or really horrible is going to happen to me. Probably both. Most likely the latter. I think the chances of me falling asleep anytime soon are slim to none. I also think that my uterus is stretching a hole into itself. Whatever is happening in that region of my body, it's not good. It doesn't feel good anyway. I need to lose weight. I'm disgusting. I wish I would wake up, look in the mirror and find I'm beautiful. No pimples, no discoloration, no braces, long curly hair, perfectly white and straight teeth, a flat stomach, thin thighs, a perky round butt, full C cup boobs, and a sunny disposition. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. Why would God make me this way? Why would he give me this life? Why must I be so lonely and unhappy? I don't think anything will change when I move. I think I'm still going to feel ugly and ignored. I still won't find a guy who likes me as more than a friend and sees me as someone he would like to date. I think I'm always going to feel this way and it's really depressing. Every time I go out I think "maybe today will be the day that some interesting stranger introduces himself to me and we click instantly. Maybe today I'll meet my first real boyfriend. Maybe his parents and little sister will love me. Maybe he'll have the same skin condition I do. Maybe he'll call me beautiful and I'll believe him. Maybe we'll fall head over heels for each other and it'll be gross and annoying. Maybe I'll finally stop feeling so alone and hate myself a lot less. Maybe we'll fall in love and even when we break up, we'll never think negatively toward each other." But then I remember who I am and that life isn't a movie and I don't bother to comb my hair. Because what is the point of having pretty hair with an ugly face? Or vice versa for that matter. Every time I think I'm getting a taste of love, it's just another loss and another scuff on my heart. I hope this is that dark time before the dawn people talk about. I'm going to attempt to get sleep now.
