My, My..

Wow. I just read my very first Blog Post ever. So many things have changed since then... Crazy how that whole post was about a guy I don't even think about anymore. Since then I've been through so much and those problems are so foolish to me now. Even the way I write is different. My writing was poetic to please the audience I imagined was religiously reading my blog. Now, I just write for me. I'm more realistic and I make my own happiness instead of waiting around for someone else to make me happy. Part of that is my firm refusal to change for anyone. I've made that mistake before and I won't make it again. I've stopped trying to force things to happen also. If something is meant to happen, it will. I've changed my way of thinking and it feels good. I feel like I've freed myself from my own backwards thinking. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bouts of unexplained sadness and ridiculous confusion, but I can handle it so it doesn't last as long. I'm proud of myself. If you were me, you would be too. I recommend reading this blog from the very beginning if you want to truly understand and appreciate where I'm coming from. I know I'm not "there" yet, but I can feel myself getting closer.

Totally Random.

Okay, so I know this is totally random and I'm SUCH a girl for this, but PS liked one of my photos on FB and I'm freaking out!!!I know it's totally no big deal, but I can't help feeling giddy. When I saw the notification I got those butterflies. But I am starting to question if I even really like him. I might have jumped the gun a bit. I mean, I've only actually hung out with him twice and even though I do think he's a cool person and he's funny and nice to hang out with and he might even like me, I'm starting to rethink whether or not I actually see him that way. This is off topic, but once we were going over this high overpass thing at a train station and idk if you know, but I'm afraid of heights, and he was close, so I held on to his bicep and he flexed his muscle. He also comforted me. Well, he said that if I fell from that height I wouldn't die. Haha. (And I might as well confess, I wasn't all that scared.) Idk, the bicep flexing, the comforting, what would you make of it? Because I don't know what to make of it. I guess I shouldn't think too hard about it. It probably means nothing. He said that he was "very superficial" so he probably doesn't or won't ever think of me that way. And it's okay because I'm not even sure if I think of him that way. Can you tell I'm confused? I am. Ugh. I'm getting a bit of a headache. I think it's time to end this post.

The Precious/Odd/Confusing Moments Between PS and I

Moment One
Me: Are we going to eat soon? I'm so hungry.
PS: Yeah. We could eat your earrings. They look so edible.
Me: Yeah, they do look like you can eat them...
PS: They look so eatable. *inaudible* nibble your ears.
Me: *shocked face* *nervous giggle*

Moment Two
Me: Curiosity killed the cat
PS: *I don't remember his response*
Me: The comeback to that is satisfaction brought him back.
PS: What? How would that work? *something about sex*
Me: Why do you equate satisfaction with sex? You can get satisfaction from other things...
PS: Yeah, but that's just what I thought of when you said satisfaction..

Wow. So this is officially the first guy I'll actually post conversations that we've had. Only because I think he'll be the second crush to not hurt me in some way.(yes, only second, and I've had TONS of crushes.)

"Hispanic Girls Fall in Love Every 5 Seconds!!!"

So it must take me twice as long since I'm half hispanic xp...
Yes, there's someone new. Don't get me wrong, I totally love the guy I was talking about in the last post(let's call him Darling). He's a great friend and blah blah blah.. But there's another guy now. He's amazing. I'll just call him PS[don't question it]. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is.. It's how he makes me laugh, how he looks at me, he's smart. Ugh. I hate liking people. I know that sound weird but it makes me feel extremely vulnerable. To me, when you admit you think you might have feelings for someone, you might as well prepare yourself to get hurt. I know it's very defeatist of me(as BFKAW would say *THROWBACK ALERT!!!*), but I can't help it. Decidedly, I haven't been hurt THAT many times, but it's enough to make me feel the way I do about relationships. Well, back to PS. I'll admit, he's not as cute, outgoing, or charming as Darling but I think that's part of what I like about him. He has that humor that I like. I'm attracted to his mind.. uh oh, deja vú.. I remember saying the same thing about BFKAW... but he's different... right? Only time will tell. Or maybe it won't. I'm a chicken as you may know and I'm sure nothing will come of this.[OMG sidenote: this post is taking me THREE DAYS to write!! Because stupid Blogger decided to shut down. Blugh. I don't even remember what I was thinking when I started this stupid thing. I guess I'll just start over :T] So Darling said that he thinks PS likes me or another girl. But his reasons aren't concrete enough for me to get excited. He could have a girlfriend for all I know. I do like to imagine what it would be like if we went out. Idk. I can't imagine how I look with anyone, but that's because I think I'm ugly. I could imagine him saying nice things to me. Omg, that reminds me, he said something that deserves its own post. So I'm ending this fail of a post so that I can properly archive that moment.

[Oh no, is it bad luck to blog about a boy on Friday the 13th?!?! This is all Google's fault...]

Better Than The Last...

Just decided to sleep on the couch again and blog about the guy I mentioned in the post "Just Cause It's Been A While" I think I spend enough time with him that he's worth blogging about by now. I mean, I spend pretty much everyday with him.. oh he just texted me *butterflies*. I hate that. Okay, so like I said before, he's super sweet. He is really charming. It's impossible not to like him. He's really funny; conversations between him and I aren't really conversations, they are him saying things and me hysterically laughing, stopping only to breathe or to respond. He's very attractive, too short, but he's attractive. He's super easy to talk to and never hesitates to give someone a compliment(like I said, super sweet). He does these little things that drive me absolutely crazy. And even though it isn't all that difficult to make me bonkers because I'm already bonkers, he does it without meaning to(or so I think, he could be doing everything on purpose, like my best friend suggested). Well, even if he is doing it on purpose, why?? Before I even start thinking about those possibilities, let's start with what he does. First of all, he keeps saying that I'm his favorite person, I'm the best, I'm awesome, my voice is sexy, etc. It makes me blush and that's just not cool. Secondly, he's very touchy, but in a totally noncreepy way. He sometimes gets really close when he's telling me a secret and once like grabbed the back of my neck and whispered in my ear( I know!! How the hell am I supposed to defend myself against that?!). Thirdly, he's a little cocky, but I like it. He exudes confidence and he's macho, but he's still a sweetheart. He is a man and knows it, but he doesn't go around sticking his chest out, challenging others to a fight, he doesn't have to. I find that incredibly sexy. My goodness, I started this post at 9:43, its 11:11(you can guess what I'm wishing for.. because I'm a bloody idiot). I'm gonna keep going, I'm on a path to self destruction, why stop now? Where was I? Oh yeah, the fourth thing about him that I really like, he seems really genuine and honest. Maybe I'm terrible at reading guys(I have been fooled before).. omg, I'm so dumb. He told me he was a great liar Okay, so scratch all that.. The (real) fourth thing about him that I really like is his body. I know, I know its very superficial of me, but he has the body type I like a guy to have. I won't describe it because that would be like revealing his identity, but I like it... moving on. The fifth thing he does that drives me crazy is he sets little traps for me. I can't really explain it. Shit. I like him. Damn it, I admitted it. Fuck. Why? I know it's only gonna end bad for me. He likes someone else. He's not over his ex. Like 3 other girls are into him(that I know of), all of whom are much prettier than me. I've already been scarred for life by heartbreak. I've dealt with too many a*holes why would he be any different? I need to focus on school. He definetely doesn't like me back, at least not in that way. Okay, I'm fine. Well, I'm not, but what choice to I have?? I'm starting to believe there is no soulmate for me. Maybe the idea that everyone has another half doesn't apply to me. I think I could be okay with that. Ugh, I'm PMSing, it's time for sleep.

Shockingly Whatever..

I feel very whatever right now. I know I'll feel differentvtomorrow morning when I go to school homework-less. I regret nothing. I'm so sick of school anwyway. High School isn't for me. Specifically, the homework and getting up early parts. Aaarrghh. I am sooo blaaahhh. I honestly have nothing interesting to say. No one is texting me, there's nothing funny on Facebook, I don't feel like Tumblr-ing and I'm trying my hardest to act like I don't have school tomorrow. It's not helping. My brother is a creep... This post is a major fail. I need to stop. I'm slacking. I'm gonna start a new post. Hopefully, it's better than this one.

Just Cause It's Been A While...

Sleeping on the couch.. I find it to be more comfortable than my bed sometimes.. I like to pretend that I'm just visiting, that tomorrow I'll go home to my awesome lofty apartment/studio above an old warehouse in the Garment District, paid for by my older, foxy gentlemen friend who also happens to be my "financier". Yeah, I don't know where I get these things either.. Anyway, life is whatever right now, the end of Spring Break is approaching too quickly and is very near crashing into me harder than a head on collision...in other words, no, I have'nt done any homework. Bleh. Today was the blah-est. I stayed home all day for no real reason other than possible discomfort. I freaked out about the fact that I haven't started my homework, however, made no effort to do it. I created a Tumblr account. I know, I know, tré cliché but I should really start whoring myself promoting my photographic "talents". I would give the link to it, but that would mean revealing my identity, which is just too embarrassing to even consider. In other "news" there's a new person in my life. He's not really all that new actually, he's from my not-so-distant past and I'm actually texting him right now. He's improving my mood and distracting me from my blogging. He's someone who's very good at getting his way with girls and being sweet as poundcake definetely helps his cause. I don't even remember where I was going with this.. I sense danger afoot...nothing EVER comes from me falling in like(or lust for that matter) with charming guys. EVER. And don't let me start thinking nice thoughts. They always end up badly. Me liking anyone period has only ever ended badly. I don't know why I even leave my house honestly. Bleh, I'm such a downer. I'm only like this when I'm alone with my thoughts.. I'm never this gloomy when there are other people around. Whatever, changing the subject: I think there's something wrong with my brain, literally.( I know, not much more cheery, but hey, it is what it is) I've been getting these random sharp pains above my left eye, my memory is getting so bad that I forget what I'm talking about midsentence, I feel unfocused and disorganized, and I randomly get nauseous. These are things that don't happen on a regular basis so I don't think about them very often, but I think I should seek professional help. Maybe. Most likely, there's nothing wrong with me. Going to bed...or, couch.. whatever.