C.R.U.S.H

     Yet another post about a crush. Did you really expect anything more from me? Let's stop this. I don't have a crush. He's ugly. He's completely not my type. The ONLY reason I feel this way is that he's kinda charming and he makes me giggle. He offers comic relief in the drab job I have, so my feelings are completely misplaced. He pays attention to me. We all know that that's all it really takes. I hate myself sometimes. I really, truly do. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE!!!!
    Okay, let me relax and think this over. There must be something other than the obvious that attracts me to him. This is what happens when I get a crush. When the person isn't around, I'm like ew. I don't like him at all. Then I'll see him and that strange fizzling thing happens in my stomach and I'm all like where the hell did that come from? And then he'll disappear from my sight and I'll be like OMG where did he go? Did he leave? He didn't even say bye! Wait, why do I care? He's not even a factor in my day! Ugh. And then BOOM I have a crush. Everything goes downhill from here. Then my thoughts become: why is he talking to that b*tch?! I'm way prettier than her! Am I? Omg, if he starts dating her I'll just die. Omg, he touched my hand, he must love me! Omg, I don't want him to love me! He's too ____! Omg, please God let him love me! He could never love me. I'm hideous. Omg, he texted me!!! "Hey"??? What does that mean?? Does he mean "Hey, I am totally in love with you"?! Omg, how do I even respond to that?! Hey is too casual. Hi is too eager. Hello, then? No, he might take that as I don't want to talk to him. Why hasn't he texted me back yet?!!! I have to wait exactly 10 minutes to text him back so I look busy. THIS IS SO STRESSFUL!!!!
   That's basically my life until I realize I hate him or that he really won't ever love me. I think he might kinda like me though. I don't know. The things I take as signs that a guy likes me usually don't mean anything and I'm just a psycho. Either that or I push them away once I being to see those signs. But I can't be sure because I've never had a boyfriend. So, who knows what I'm doing wrong. Anyway, for now I'm just going to relax. I'm not going to initiate conversation or try to be near him. It's soooo hard for me to hide my feelings, but I'm going to fight this with all my might! I hate that he isn't cute. I would feel better about this. At least the last guy I liked was physically attractive to some degree. I think it's better to have a superficial crush than a deep crush. Deep crushes are easier to confuse with love....

Considering Life and Its Oddities.

I should rename the title of this post because it's misleading. What this post (like pretty much every post) is really going to be me rambling / complaining / feeling hungry. Why is it, that I get hungry the moment I decide to go to bed?? What kind of f*ckery is that??? Anyway, I'm listening to Semisonic's only hit Closing Time. If I had a boyfriend I would make that song the background music to our awful Tumblr couple video. I hate Tumblr couple videos but I can't seem to stop obsessively watching them. They usually consist of a boy and a girl who do nothing but laugh and play and kiss and have sleep overs. There isn't much talking, none that the viewer can hear anyway, and there is always a Jason Mraz or Owl City song playing. Oh and it's in black and white. No exceptions. You don't qualify as a cute couple unless you are in black and white. It also doesn't count if you haven't broken up at least once but you're "still so in love" because at 15, you've already met the love of your life of course. And it's legit because it's on Tumblr, at least twenty people reblogged it, and it has like 20,000 views on YouTube. If that's not true love, I don't knw what is. *barf* As much as I make fun of these people, I continue to watch their videos. I guess it's because I know if I were in their position, I just might do the same thing. Don't judge me. I am ashamed of myself, but can you blame me? I'm growing up during a time where it's totally normal to share every aspect of your life online, or the parts you want people to envy / pity / learn from at least. I mean, if you really think about it, this blog is just as bad, if not worse because there's no romantic song playing in the background. I'm so hungry. I'm going to try to sleep now. I spent all the time talking about Tumblr couples that I don't remember the original intent of this post. Oh well.

I Have a Headache: Thoughts on idleness and the depression it causes.

I finally understand why Trust Fund babies squander their small fortunes on stupid shit they only half care about.  Life is f*cking BORING when you don't have to worry about things like your next meal and paying rent. I'm the furthest thing from a so-called Trustafarian, but I don't have much to do since I'm not in school(please don't ask), unemployed, and without any money for daily entertainment. I have  virtually no friends and, I've deleted every social networking page I had to avoid falling into a deep, dark depression, which really leaves me with little to nothing to do. It's the worst experience I've ever had. I don't sleep until 3am and then sleep well into the afternoon just because I can. I devote the rest of the day to television, avoiding the fridge, tedious household chores, and spending hours on end on the internet. I bet you're wondering what I could possibly be doing on the Internet without Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. Well, I spend a lot of time on YouTube watching things like the "wild and out-of-control teens" episodes on shows like Tyra, Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, and Maury. I read the blogs of invisible people who seem so much cooler than me, but probably aren't. Most of my obsessive internet perusing begins at around 9 or 10 and continues until the wee hours of the morning. I never intend to stay up the entire night, making my eyes burn with the bright screen of my MacBook and eating full plates of food snacking, but that's how things end up. After passing out falling asleep, I usually wake up between the hours of 11am and 1pm, usually to the sound of my phone ringing because my one (consistent) friend wants to gossip, update me on college life, or hear herself talk because she's bored. After a conversation that's lasted longer than I would like, I either try to fall asleep (which never works out), or watch cartoons until I get so depressed that I just have to eat or ride bike or something. Now that I think about it, I don't do anything. My days are meaningless blurs with no actual events. The only thing keeping me from jumping off my building is the fact that a)the mere thought of my mother telling people I committed suicide makes me want to vomit and b) I know this will be over soon enough. I start work at a job I kind of already hate on Monday and in January I'll be in school where I belong. I have learned from this whole experience though. I like lists so let's put this in that format.

What I've learned from nearly going bat-shit crazy from idleness:

1. Having nothing to do makes you loathe people with deadlines, stress, and just something to do.
2. Being idle makes you want to blow everything way out of proportion just so that you can say something happened.
3. It's really embarrassing responding with the same deflated "nothing" whenever someone asks what you plan to do daily.
4. To avoid saying nothing (yet again) when someone asks what plans you have for the day you make up a plan you have no intention of following through, then making up a story about why it didn't work out later. This is even more depressing than responding "nothing" because now in addition to being a loser, you're a liar.
5. Being indoors all day causes headaches. Or maybe it's staring at screens. I'm still not sure on this one, maybe it's a combination of both.
6. Your family WILL take advantage of your idleness and there's nothing you can do about it because well, do you have something better to do? Exactly.

Mood Swing.

Today I felt very depressed. I stuffed myself with leftover chicken and ice cream cones in an attempt to curb my sadness. It didn't help. After I finished eating, the sadness was still there. I don't know what to do. I just have to wait for it to pass. All I do when I'm in this mood is sleep, eat, and avoid people. I just want someone who thinks I'm beautiful inside and out. I just want to cry. My appearance hinders me. I'm not attractive. I don't have pretty hair or a perfect smile. I'm not thin. I don't have slim thighs or a flat stomach. It doesn't matter how much I long for someone to love me the same way I love them, it won't happen. My skin condition is all people see. I'm so flawed. People just pity me. A guy doesn't want a girl that everyone pities, he wants a girl that everyone likes and thinks is beautiful. Why did God make me this way? I'll never understand. I feel so sad. No one sees me as I am. They only see my skin condition. They only ugliness. This must be what I deserve.

"I used to have a best friend..."

The title is a Facebook status that one of my friend's best friend posted. It is the repeating phrase of the day. Every time I think of anything that reminds me of her, the phrase plays again: I used to have a best friend... with emphasis on the words "used to" and a sad pause at the end. As if she died. I do feel like she died. I feel like I've experienced some tragic death. I'm not even sure if she considers our friendship dead. She hasn't said anything to me. I feel I've done all I can to fix things. Her silence seems to me her way of de-friending me. While I do feel a great loss and I don't understand why any of this even happened, I won't blame myself. I refuse. Reflecting on my actions, I have done no wrong. I want to cry, but I refuse. I will not allow myself to cry over something so trivial. God has done this for a reason. Such an abrupt end to a strong friendship doesn't happen "just because". If it ended at all. In my mind, it has. I have to stop setting high expectations for people. Most human beings will disappoint you and you have no one to blame but yourself for expecting anything from them in the first place. 

Life.

I feel so disregarded. I'm invisible in my own life. The people I thought would be there for me aren't. Everyone I meet ends up hurting me. I've come to the conclusion that it must be me. I must make it so easy to hurt me. If not, there would be someone I care about who hasn't hurt me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My expectations for others have always been too high. I expect others to treat me the way I want to be treated. It's clear to me now that people don't reciprocate. I can't understand why I know such shitty people. I can't understand why I trust people who clearly don't care about me. This is exactly why I'm so closed off to people. This is why I isolate myself for so long. I'm going to isolate myself again. I'm going to focus on my dreams and becoming successful. I'm used to being alone. It's nothing new. I think I'll be happier if I focus on myself and stop worrying about being friends with anyone. I'm moving anyway. It's better this way.

When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

I miss him sooo much. I'm not talking about text message guy, I'm talking about Super Crush turned "Best Friend". At least I thought I saw him as a friend. Ever since he started going out with her, it's like I don't even exist. I know he cares about me, and supposedly he misses me, but I feel like I've lost him forever. I know that's dramatic, but it feels dramatic. I'm leaving soon and if things continue this way, I'll leave without saying goodbye.  I have a feeling the girl he's dating doesn't want him around me and that hurts. I wish things could go back to the time I listened to his heartbeat. I should probably just cut my losses and pretend he doesn't exist anymore. In a way, he doesn't. The him that I cuddled with and watched movies with and held hands with for hours went away. He's someone different now. He's an uglier version. He's someone I don't even recognize. I don't even think there's anything I could have done to change this. All I can do now is appreciate the time I spent with him and dream of what could have been. I did love the time I spent with him. I loved how we were before he disappeared. I watched him fade slowly and I didn't quite understand what was happening until it happened already. I'm not sad or upset, or at least I'm trying not to be, because I'm grateful that I got to meet him and have the experiences we had. Just because I feel something for him, that doesn't mean we were meant to be together. That's something I have to learn.