Better Than The Last...

Just decided to sleep on the couch again and blog about the guy I mentioned in the post "Just Cause It's Been A While" I think I spend enough time with him that he's worth blogging about by now. I mean, I spend pretty much everyday with him.. oh he just texted me *butterflies*. I hate that. Okay, so like I said before, he's super sweet. He is really charming. It's impossible not to like him. He's really funny; conversations between him and I aren't really conversations, they are him saying things and me hysterically laughing, stopping only to breathe or to respond. He's very attractive, too short, but he's attractive. He's super easy to talk to and never hesitates to give someone a compliment(like I said, super sweet). He does these little things that drive me absolutely crazy. And even though it isn't all that difficult to make me bonkers because I'm already bonkers, he does it without meaning to(or so I think, he could be doing everything on purpose, like my best friend suggested). Well, even if he is doing it on purpose, why?? Before I even start thinking about those possibilities, let's start with what he does. First of all, he keeps saying that I'm his favorite person, I'm the best, I'm awesome, my voice is sexy, etc. It makes me blush and that's just not cool. Secondly, he's very touchy, but in a totally noncreepy way. He sometimes gets really close when he's telling me a secret and once like grabbed the back of my neck and whispered in my ear( I know!! How the hell am I supposed to defend myself against that?!). Thirdly, he's a little cocky, but I like it. He exudes confidence and he's macho, but he's still a sweetheart. He is a man and knows it, but he doesn't go around sticking his chest out, challenging others to a fight, he doesn't have to. I find that incredibly sexy. My goodness, I started this post at 9:43, its 11:11(you can guess what I'm wishing for.. because I'm a bloody idiot). I'm gonna keep going, I'm on a path to self destruction, why stop now? Where was I? Oh yeah, the fourth thing about him that I really like, he seems really genuine and honest. Maybe I'm terrible at reading guys(I have been fooled before).. omg, I'm so dumb. He told me he was a great liar Okay, so scratch all that.. The (real) fourth thing about him that I really like is his body. I know, I know its very superficial of me, but he has the body type I like a guy to have. I won't describe it because that would be like revealing his identity, but I like it... moving on. The fifth thing he does that drives me crazy is he sets little traps for me. I can't really explain it. Shit. I like him. Damn it, I admitted it. Fuck. Why? I know it's only gonna end bad for me. He likes someone else. He's not over his ex. Like 3 other girls are into him(that I know of), all of whom are much prettier than me. I've already been scarred for life by heartbreak. I've dealt with too many a*holes why would he be any different? I need to focus on school. He definetely doesn't like me back, at least not in that way. Okay, I'm fine. Well, I'm not, but what choice to I have?? I'm starting to believe there is no soulmate for me. Maybe the idea that everyone has another half doesn't apply to me. I think I could be okay with that. Ugh, I'm PMSing, it's time for sleep.

Shockingly Whatever..

I feel very whatever right now. I know I'll feel differentvtomorrow morning when I go to school homework-less. I regret nothing. I'm so sick of school anwyway. High School isn't for me. Specifically, the homework and getting up early parts. Aaarrghh. I am sooo blaaahhh. I honestly have nothing interesting to say. No one is texting me, there's nothing funny on Facebook, I don't feel like Tumblr-ing and I'm trying my hardest to act like I don't have school tomorrow. It's not helping. My brother is a creep... This post is a major fail. I need to stop. I'm slacking. I'm gonna start a new post. Hopefully, it's better than this one.

Just Cause It's Been A While...

Sleeping on the couch.. I find it to be more comfortable than my bed sometimes.. I like to pretend that I'm just visiting, that tomorrow I'll go home to my awesome lofty apartment/studio above an old warehouse in the Garment District, paid for by my older, foxy gentlemen friend who also happens to be my "financier". Yeah, I don't know where I get these things either.. Anyway, life is whatever right now, the end of Spring Break is approaching too quickly and is very near crashing into me harder than a head on collision...in other words, no, I have'nt done any homework. Bleh. Today was the blah-est. I stayed home all day for no real reason other than possible discomfort. I freaked out about the fact that I haven't started my homework, however, made no effort to do it. I created a Tumblr account. I know, I know, tré cliché but I should really start whoring myself promoting my photographic "talents". I would give the link to it, but that would mean revealing my identity, which is just too embarrassing to even consider. In other "news" there's a new person in my life. He's not really all that new actually, he's from my not-so-distant past and I'm actually texting him right now. He's improving my mood and distracting me from my blogging. He's someone who's very good at getting his way with girls and being sweet as poundcake definetely helps his cause. I don't even remember where I was going with this.. I sense danger afoot...nothing EVER comes from me falling in like(or lust for that matter) with charming guys. EVER. And don't let me start thinking nice thoughts. They always end up badly. Me liking anyone period has only ever ended badly. I don't know why I even leave my house honestly. Bleh, I'm such a downer. I'm only like this when I'm alone with my thoughts.. I'm never this gloomy when there are other people around. Whatever, changing the subject: I think there's something wrong with my brain, literally.( I know, not much more cheery, but hey, it is what it is) I've been getting these random sharp pains above my left eye, my memory is getting so bad that I forget what I'm talking about midsentence, I feel unfocused and disorganized, and I randomly get nauseous. These are things that don't happen on a regular basis so I don't think about them very often, but I think I should seek professional help. Maybe. Most likely, there's nothing wrong with me. Going to bed...or, couch.. whatever.

Sickly..

Fml. I've been stuck in my house three days straight. At first, it was a cold. Now it's my asthma. My body is tired and I have really bad anxiety because of the school I'm missing. No one has messaged me asking where I am. I think too highly of myself. Why would anyone miss me? I'm very replaceable. I looked into rehab. I found one that was really good but really expensive. My mom said I should see a therapist first. I haven't been to therapy yet. I had one session, but it doesn't count because it was  an "emergency visit". My great grandmother had just passed away and I was having a hard time with it. I was having a hard time with everything then. I was failing school for the first time, I felt alone, and depressed. This blog has become my therapy in a way even though I feel a little pathetic writing it. Hopefully it won't come back to haunt me one day. I guess this blog is kinda good for my mental health, ironically. It reminds me of the mistakes I have to make sure I don't make again. It also allows me to let go of my negative and possibly harmful emotions. It's not embarrrassing since no one but me really reads it, and I can make a mental note of which times of the year/month I usually start feeling really crappy. This blog is a pretty good therapist in that way. I still think it would probably be better if I talked to a human being and learned some coping skills or something new about myslef or my life that maybe I didn't notice. I just went on the crazy tangent about drugs -_-. I, erased the whole paragraph. I'll spare you the details. My brain is muddled. I'm tired and full of asthma medication. I'm gonna try to get to sleep..

What will people say when I'm gone?

I never really considered what people will say once I'm dead. Partly because I never really cared, partly because I'm too young to die. I've always just assumed no one will really care. It's not because of my self esteem or anything, it's just that when I've left places, nobody seemed to care. My stomach hurts. I don't  know. I'mprobably being dramatic. I keep thinking to myself that I don't need validation from others but it's a lie. I don't feel like I'm worth anything ifI there isn't someone telling or showing me that I am.  That's so pathetic.. Life is so dramatic for no reason. Well, My life is. My life isn't dramatic, I am. I hate myself. I hate who I am yet have no idea how to change. No one will love me because I don't love myself. Why would anyone love me? This blog is a waste.

Sidenote..

Every once in a while, I'll finish posting something meaningful and I decide to press the  next blog button. I've noticed something about these Blogspot blogs, they're all either in a foreign lanuage, nothing but photos of random things(btw, just because you take pics of the random shit in your boring life, that doesn't make you some amazing photographer), or written by a bored housewife chronicling the lives/life of her small child/children or family. I mean, thats cool and all but who gives a shit?? Idk, I just got weirded out by the blog called MilliganMania:All About The Milligans. This post is so hypocritical. All this blog is is my thoughts after something random or horrific happens to me. The fact that I press the nextblog  button is proof that I shouldn't be talking about anyone else's blog..

-L.H.

All Falls Apart..

*sigh* the toilet is leaking. For no reason. There's 20 inches of snow on the ground(allegedly), I hear a helicopter outside my window, and my room is a mess. I'm eager to do another photoshoot(I've done two already) but I don't have the props or set I want. Mom is freaking out..There's water seeping into my bedroom. Frustrating. I'm sick of this apartment. Something is always falling apart. The walls, the tiles, the beds, the lights. I  need to take this nailpolish off, it's chipping and gross looking. I had to take it off days ago. I'm just lazy..

-L.H
(p.s I'm not gonna do a signoff or whatever anymore.. no one reads this..)