Relapse..

I've relapsed. I'm not proud of it. I just can't help myself. If it weren't for all the time we spend together, it wouldn't have happened. But it's not like I can just quit him cold turkey, I mean, he lives across the street, he has my number, we're FB friends, oh and the whole I love him thing. I hate myself for feeling that way(and admitting it). I actually said it out loud. I said it to someone. How could I?? I got over it, I did. I was fine. I felt better, but that clearly wasn't enough. It only took one day to ruin it all. It was the BBQ for my brother's birthday. He was misbehaving, but he's so cute. He got along with my family and he didn't eat any meat. I know this corny, and the exact reason I can't quit, but Seventeen Magazine said that a "sneaky way to tell he's into you" is when he mimics your behavior. And I'm a vegetarian. So he just randomly decided to go vegetarian at a BBQ? It's suspicious. I know I'm blowing it out of porportion but I don't care. I can't help but have this feeling that he and I will be a "we" one day. I've tried hard to remember if I felt this way about the others. Is this nagging feeling in my throat a repeat offender?? Am I just going through the motions again?? Will this, like the others, fade away and mean nothing in a little while?? Or are my feelings right and I'm not so crazy after all? Only time will tell. I'm starting to get that deja vù feeling. I feel nauseas from being up so late. So I'm going to sleep.

Meh.

My head hurts way bad. I'm sure it's because I was on Flickr for like an hour and a half. I'm also watching True Life, which is making single life seem AWESOME. These people, who are my age, are having huge problems in their relationships. It's called True Life:I'm Jealous. These people are miserable, and it's making me feel better(No, I don't care if it's wrong). I have a stupid test at 9am, I'm not worried. The test is a joke. Omg, this girl's boyfriend is a total a*hole. Meh, boys are dumb. I hope I never argue with my boyfriend as much as these people argue. It's terrible. I want to go on vacation. Somewhere with really old buildings. Somewhere that's the complete opposite of here. Like Amsterdam or Venice. Maybe Russia. I want to travel with the coolest person ever. A person with a positive attitude and is outgoing and fun. They should be good looking too, just because. I want to go to a party. I know that's really random, but I do. I need a GBF(Gay Best Friend) to give me a great makeover and go shopping at Limelight with me. *sigh* having a Random Thought Moment. I wish he loved me. But it's okay that he doesn't. He thinks I'm great and that will have to be enough. Kissing is overrated anyway. He's probably a bad kisser anyway. Omg my birthday is coming up! Wth am I gonna do? I think I'll just get pretty and roam around Manhattan with some friends. Oooh that actually sounds like a lot of fun.I just made my birthday plans... cool :)

It's 11:11, but I'm not wishing for what you might think...

I've come to my senses with a little help from my friends. Well, it was only one friend, but she's my best friend. She helped me realize that I was settling. I don't need him. I can do so much better. I'm looking for something specific and I shouldn't have to lower my standards or fall for every cornball because I'm not sure I can get it. It feels wrong typing this out, I'm not completely over it. I still have that feeling that I'm missing out on something if I'm not with him.  I'm putting a band-aid on my stinging "boo boo", but I know it'll stop stinging when someone comes along and kisses it( or hopefully even before that) and it'll turn into a scab; I won't even think about it anymore. I keep thinking about how in 10 years, none of this will matter, and it won't. So, why not save myself the trouble and just forget about it now? I think that's a good idea if I do say so myself. It feels good to get this out. I have to vent as much as possible. Even if I am confused. It helps so much. It clears things up. Thinking by myself, working it out with someone else, then blogging, that's my therapy. I like it. It works for me. *sigh* A great weight has been lifted. See? I can do anything and I prove it to myself every single day.I don't know why I worry so much, but I'm learning how to snap myself out of it. I love myself and I deserve nothing but the best. To recapitulate what I'm saying, I am (once again) perfectly fine with my Relationship(or lack of) status. The grass is once again a luscious green on my side. I'm okay again, hopefully for much longer than the time between the last time I said that and about 3 days ago :)

Shame on me/I can't stand myself

I found myself googling "good astrology love matches"... I've never been so ashamed. What the HELL is wrong with me?! Why can't I accept reality? I feel really guilty. I really do. Because I love him,(but I'm not in love, I'm not so delusional that I'll be "in love" with a person that doesn't love me back. Just thought I'd clear that up) so I keep imagining what our lives would be like when we live together. Yes, I wrote "when". No, I'm not going to change it. Although I'm not delusional enough to fall in love, I am delusional enough to believe deep down in my heart that we'll lose touch but, we meet again. By then I'll be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and he'll ask me out on a date. I'll say yes and on our date we'll realize that we know eachother. It's yet ANOTHER chance at love. We can't escape our fate, and we live happily ever after in our big gorgeous apartment. Or maybe we'll never really lose touch, and one day, as if it came to him in a dream, he'll say to himself "oh my gosh, I love this girl". I'll be resistant and reluctant, but I love him and have been waiting so long for this. It will be worth the wait. We may have our differences, but our love will keep us together. He understands me and I understand him and we live happily ever after. The best possible scenario I can think of is I finally find a fatal flaw, and stop imagining stupid happily ever after scenarios(and stop wishing his girlfriend was dead). I'll go with door number three Bob, make me hate him. And I mean for real, not get peeved but get over it and apologize because he really tried to help and I was being a total bitch. I don't pray,(because I don't believe in god) but I'm tempted to when things like this happen. I'm emotional. Intensely crazy person emotional, so when I love, I can't let it go so easily. Hope hard for me. Pray if you truly believe it will help. I need all the help I can get...

Today(Just because I can't think of a better title)

Today was a lot of fun. I hung out with Darling all day. It was great. We walked practically half of Manhattan and discovered the coolest place ever. I laughed so much. It was really enjoyable. He's a great friend. It's crazy because last night I had a HORRIBLE dream and we were arguing. I'm not totally sure, because I don't all the way remember,(*funfact* dreams begin to diminish as soon as you wake up) but I'm pretty sure we were fighting because I'm unhappy with our relationship status. Well, his relationship status, I wouldn't be unhappy if I had a relationship with a status. I wish there was something about him that I disliked enough to stop thinking this way. Unfortunately, the thing I hate most about him is his girlfriend. I wish she were imaginary. I need to stop. I'm fine with the way things are. I keep telling myself that, but I'm lying to myself. I know that I'm not fine with this. I mean, when we're hanging out, it feels more than friendship, then he mentions his girlfriend and I'm brought back to reality. Reality sucks. The whole day we hung out I was wishing that we were going to go back to our apartment and I would make us something to eat and we'd relax and talk about the day. I feel too strong a connection to him for this to end when our internship does. There's just no way. This is like my third post talking about him, which was not my intention at all. Anyway, I had a lot of fun. It was great that place we discovered(called Limelight) is the coolest place I've ever been. That's all for now, super tired and Bruce Lee movies are on, hopefully tonight's dream(s) is better than last night.

Psyched!

I'm sooo excited for my show on Monday. I'm going to be singing a song with Darling and our chemistry is electric(haha). It's going to be GREAT. I have my outfit prepared and tomorrow we're going to hang out all day. Right now I'm babysitting, so I'm hype for the cash I'm getting. I'm also super sleepy :T I'm going to buy a cute monokini or high waisted bikini from Forever21. Can't wait! I wrote out my budget, but I lost the paper I wrote it on, so once I get my check, I'll do another one. Okay, I should really go to sleep now, I have a long day ahead of me ^_^

Lucky Me!

I don't think I've ever felt so fortunate as I do now. Things are just falling into place. I've stayed with my grandparents the past couple of days. I need a break from the negative energy in my house. I feel really lucky to have a place to escape to. I can take a break from the chaos. Yesterday I went to see Cirque Du Soleil. I've been wanting to see it for the LONGEST and finally got the opportunity to see it. Awesome opportunities seem to just fall in my lap and I make sure to take full advantage of them. I'm sooo psyched about all the cool things happening in my life right now. I auditioned for a musical theater class, I'm eligible for a full scholarship to college, and I'm going to be performing on Monday. Screw that depressed crap, I'm doing things by myself for myself. I can do anything I set my mind to and I don't need anyone to validate me. With all the positive things, there's always going to be setbacks. Like I said, there's a lot of negative energy in my house. Plus, I have these random bouts of sadness. I'm starting to feel hopeless and insecure about my appearance again. I've been shaking it off though. I've also been getting really sick. I may have mentioned my frequent headaches in a past post. One day in class, I suddenly got super dizzy and nauseous out of nowhere. Hopefully, my appointment with the neurologist will shed some light on what could be going on. So, at the moment, I feel pretty good. And this time, it's all my fault :)