Shame on me/I can't stand myself

I found myself googling "good astrology love matches"... I've never been so ashamed. What the HELL is wrong with me?! Why can't I accept reality? I feel really guilty. I really do. Because I love him,(but I'm not in love, I'm not so delusional that I'll be "in love" with a person that doesn't love me back. Just thought I'd clear that up) so I keep imagining what our lives would be like when we live together. Yes, I wrote "when". No, I'm not going to change it. Although I'm not delusional enough to fall in love, I am delusional enough to believe deep down in my heart that we'll lose touch but, we meet again. By then I'll be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and he'll ask me out on a date. I'll say yes and on our date we'll realize that we know eachother. It's yet ANOTHER chance at love. We can't escape our fate, and we live happily ever after in our big gorgeous apartment. Or maybe we'll never really lose touch, and one day, as if it came to him in a dream, he'll say to himself "oh my gosh, I love this girl". I'll be resistant and reluctant, but I love him and have been waiting so long for this. It will be worth the wait. We may have our differences, but our love will keep us together. He understands me and I understand him and we live happily ever after. The best possible scenario I can think of is I finally find a fatal flaw, and stop imagining stupid happily ever after scenarios(and stop wishing his girlfriend was dead). I'll go with door number three Bob, make me hate him. And I mean for real, not get peeved but get over it and apologize because he really tried to help and I was being a total bitch. I don't pray,(because I don't believe in god) but I'm tempted to when things like this happen. I'm emotional. Intensely crazy person emotional, so when I love, I can't let it go so easily. Hope hard for me. Pray if you truly believe it will help. I need all the help I can get...