Annoyed.

I'm ready to leave. I'm sick of this life. I've outgrown it. I'm ready for new experiences and people. I realized that I was holding on to the past. And trying to recapture what I had with him. But it's not going to happen. Anyway, I snapped out of it and I'm ready to move on with my life. If it hasn't happened already, it never will. Something I've learned from this whole situation things will either happen or they won't. Even if you do decide to fight and wait and fight some more, there is a good chance that you'll end up right back where you started. You may waste so much time and energy going after something that was never meant to be. We hate to think this way, but sometimes things are called "impossible" for the very valid reason that they really are. I like to think that we'll meet again. That our friendship was something really beautiful and real. That one day, under the most perfect circumstances, it can blossom into something more. And by that time, we'll both have grown into amazing people, fully capable of truly and completely loving each other. Because we love each other now, just imagine how our love could be at its full potential; after we completely love ourselves. It is my firm belief that you will NEVER TRULY love someone until you truly love yourself. Can I get an amen? Haha. I love to write. I feel like I lost a bit of my fire. I think I would enjoy writing collections of essays about my experiences and what I've learned from them. Kind of what Lena Dunham's character is doing on my new favorite show Girls. Omg, have you seen it? If you haven't, you must right away. It is amazeballs. It comes on Sundays on HBO. I love to sing. It makes me feel so good. When I find a guy crazy enough to date me, I'll sing to him every day. I think it's the sweetest thing when couples sing to each other. And I hate couples, but I think that is super duper cute :) as much as I can't stand people in relationships, I feel like I would be great in one. I'm a little scared that I would lose myself in one. It's so easy to lose yourself loving someone else. I see it way too much. You lose your sense of self. I'm not ready to become a unit. Until I'm a whole person, and I meet another whole person, I won't be ready to become part of a pair. I wish I could skip the whole coy cutesy boy-meets-girl part of dating and just be with someone. I just want to meet someone and it feel like we have been together for three months already. I want to skip the first date,  the "Does He Like Me?" Period, the honeymoon phase, the shut-off-the-rest-of-the-world-only-us  period and fast forward to the first argument. That's when you know you can get past anything. I want to know that we're going to last at least until we're sick of each other. I want to skip to the part where we're so in sync that no one notices anymore. That we finish each other's sentences and move as one body, but it's become so natural that it would only be weird to every one else of we weren't behaving that way. I want a relationship where our everyday routine is the highlight of our day. Where the most boring event is the most exciting simply because we are together. I want a relationship where when we spend some time apart, it's as relaxing and great as when we're together. I mailed the deposit for school today. It's official, I'm leaving. There's no turning back now. I'm terrified and delighted. This is the most exciting event in my life. Why am I so tired? Bleh. I feel like my life is beginning anew. It's a beautiful thing. I wonder if I'll remember this blog when I abandon my current life. I wonder if I'll ever do anything with this blog or let anyone read it. I don't think anyone will want to read it. I'm sleepy. Going to rest.... 

Spam

Despite the fact that his phone is off, I've sent him eleven text messages. I'm not sure how he'll take it. Hopefully he'll see it as I do: I miss him a lot and want to make up for lost time and make sure I hang out with him before school starts. I wonder what will become of us. I wonder if I'll meet a cute guy. I wonder if I'll suddenly become attractive or if a guy will find me attractive. I hate the mystery of the future. I'm also tired but my mind is racing. I hate that when I try to talk to my friend she talks about her boyfriend. You would think she would be more considerate. But no. I know better than that though. I've learned not to expect her to do anything for me. Maybe this move will be good for me. I know know it will. I'm starving. I love stream of consciousness writing. It's very liberating writing nearly every thought. It's also a bit amusing reading the result. I love to read what I thought about situations as they are happening and how my feelings have changed since then. I hope he's thinking of me too. He probably isn't but if he is, I hope he's thinking that he should text me as soon as he can. I wish he could know somehow that I love him and I constantly defend him. I should text him that. I hope he's in my dreams. I hope I'm in his. In the good dreams. I wish he wished I was with him. I hope he got taller. I hope he hasn't lost what I loved about him most. I hope he isn't with his girlfriend anymore. I hope he wants me. Okay. I'm going to dream. Not that I'm tired... I just like to dream.

Regret!

Here we are again. I may have missed out on a great guy. But I won't know until it's too late.  His phone is off which is why he didn't answer my texts. That's a little depressing, but a great relief that he isn't ignoring me. That would have definitely made me cry like a baby. I've been trying to keep my mind off of him by cyber stalking my future school. It helped a lot. Especially since some of my future classmates are quite attractive. And the events they host seem like a blast. The wheels are turning and life is happening. This is not- I repeat NOT A DRILL!!!! shit is getting real people. It's super exciting and transitional and beautiful and I have never been more happy. And scared shitless. I feel so fortunate. I feel like everything I've been waiting and hoping for is right there for me and all I have to do is take it. It's a liberating feeling. So, I'm wrestling with excitement and sadness and I hope excitement wins because sadness sucks and doesnt get you anywhere. I could sit and cry over the one who got away or I could look out for the one who will always stay. Besides, if we did decide to give each other a try, it would just be a fling because a long distance relationship is NOT something I want to be a part of. Okay, falling asleep, need rest, wish me luck!

Back to My Old Ways

He's showing up in my life again in small ways and I don't know how to deal with it. I miss him intensely. I wish I could escape it. I'm suffering from a serious case of nostalgia. I can only remember how happy he made me. I feel like he was there when even my best friend wasn't. And I felt loved by him. As if he really cared about me and would go to the ends of the earth for me. But I felt certain that wasn't true. But maybe it was. Maybe he really would have moved mountains for me. No, that's crazy. He had(or has) a girlfriend. I wish he would confess his love for me. That he hasn't stopped thinking about me since we last talked and he wants nothing more than to be with me. But I could never be that fortunate. Things like that never work out for me. Maybe I'm being crazy again. This happens to me every couple of months. I regret getting angry with him or being spiteful in some way and I feel this deep need to talk to him again. I hate this. I hate that I can't get back what I've lost with him. Maybe I haven't really lost anything. Maybe I should be more appreciative of the time we've had. Regret. Deep, deep regret. And a longing for what I feel I'm missing out on. All I can do is try to feel better I guess. What else?

Just Because it's Been a While... Deja Vu!

Currently playing hooky... I need to go shopping. I regret not going to school. 7th period is about to start. My stomach hurts really bad though. I feel like absolutely nothing interesting is happening in my life. I wish my life was more interesting. I could make it interesting if I had money. Definitely. I want to try a new hairstyle. maybe waves. My hair is so uncooperative though. It's frustrating. I need it to grow more. I feel like it grows a little and then just stops. I cut one side of my hair in the front months ago and it hardly grew and is damaged. I want my hair to look like Carrie Bradshaw's after she broke off her engagement with Aidan. My hair is slightly shorter than that length, but I think I could pull it off. I wish my hair was at least shoulder length so that I could style it with bouncy curls. It would look great with my face shape. I think I'll try it in a bit. It couldn't hurt. What will I do this weekend? Hm... I haven't been to the city in far too long. Maybe I'll finally visit the High line.. That would be nice. My mom will be back from Miami in a couple days. I hope she brings back something cool. She's going to be so tanned. Ha ha. She needed that vacation. I want chips. tortilla chips with queso dip. YUM. Not good for my stomach ache. I also want butter pecan ice cream. I LOVE butter pecan ice cream. And Vanilla Swiss Almond. And Rocky Road. I've been having crazy mood swings, horrible nausea, back pains, weird food cravings, and terrible fatigue. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. It sounds like pregnancy, but I definitely am NOT prego. Unless I'm the new Virgin Mary. Which I doubt. I want to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's I love that movie. My stomach is beginning to bother me again. It's more discomfort than pain. I need a job. I can't wait to go to college. Okay, I'm done rambling. I think I'm going to do my hair now.. Probably not, but I'll try.