Bumjel

Nothing is real for me right now. I've had an experience that has changed how I watch movies. Nothing seems right. The movie Black Swan has screwed my head up so thoroughly that I can't think properly. I'm going to surf Flickr for a while and try to be normal again. Black Swan was a reeeeallly good movie btw, it's in the same ball park as The Illusionist(my favorite movie ever) and Were The World Mine. I'm not going to be able to sleep for a very long time. I'm tired though. Sidenote: I've decided to dye my hair white. It's probabaly a really bad idea, but whatever. You only live once right? I just thought I'd try to purge some of the confusion and intensity I'm feeling by typing it out. So, until next time, be you 'cause that's the only you you can be(I'm workin' on it...)
-L.H. ♪♥

Currently,

I'm listening to Erykah Badu and blogging when I should be doing homework -_- I always do this to myself. I'm completely aware of what I SHOULD be doing in order to save myself from overload later, and instead I continue to do what I feel like doing. Ridiculous. Anyway, I'm totally obsessed with Flickr. I'm also obsessed with the camera I'm itching all over to get from Urban Outfitter's, it's BYOO-tee-FULL. Once I get it, this blog is gonna be chock FULL of pictures... IF i get it :T well, I'm going to continue to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to do. Until the next time I decide to get on this thing, Be the You you wanna be 'cause that's all you can be(or something like that @_@)
-L.H. ♫♥

My, My...

How things have changed since last year...

I hardly recognize the foolish girl who wrote the 43 posts before this one. She was just a caterpillar and since I've got my wings, I'm remodeling this blog. It's a new year. I'm not that different. I'm a little smarter, more confident, more optimistic, but I'm still that psychotic, overemotional, lonely girl. Well, I'm not that lonely anymore. I'm not as obsessed with having a relationship anymore. I'm focusing on bigger and better things now. I've decided I have no clue what I'm gonna do with my life, but I'm going to Film School and I'm going to continue to write. I'm gonna keep making up stories, making songs, and letting my imagination marry my emotions and have little crazy babies. I lost myself a bit for a while. I started letting other people(and my hormones) let decisions for me. But that's over. I made myself believe I was in control when I really wasn't. That's done. I'm in control now. I am the only me I wanna be. Because of my new outlook, once again, I'm changing how I'm gonna sign off in the different way.

So darling, be who you wanna be 'cause that's the only you you can be(blew your mind didn't it)
-L.H. ♫♥

Harder and Harder Everyday.

My lonliness is consuming me. I feel empty. My thoughts and fantasies make it worse. My lips are so painfully unkissed, my skin sadly untouched, and it's killing me. I was okay for a while. I was perfectly fine. Suddenly I can't stand anything about myself. My hair, my clothes, my nails, I loathe myself so deeply. I long for someone to be affectionate towards me. I really can't understand why I feel this way. I've never had a boyfriend. Boys don't look at me. At least not the ones I'm attracted to. Sometimes I think I'm okay and I feel pretty. Then something changes and I feel miserable. Right now I feel poor. I feel ugly. I feel lonely. I want to make out with somone, I want a tattoo, and I want to go to a concert. I need money for new jeans, make up, my hair, and a cool bike. *sigh* I can't wait for things to get better.I can't wait to go to college. I can't wait to do what I love for a living. I can't wait until tomorrow when I can show my new awesome friend the other song I wrote. I'll try to get through this. For now I need to get ready for school tomorrow.

Life Tricked Me!(again)

I thought things would be better, I thought there would be smooth sailing, I even thought someone could actually genuine feelings for me. Of course, I was wrong and gullible. I can try and trick myself but the truth wears flimsy disguises. I'm not completely sad and hopeless. I do love school. Things are getting better in that department. I'm even joining a DJ class(whoop). But as usual, I'm never satisfied. The torture of loneliness is really getting to me. I know I'm young and the whole world is waiting for me to find it, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something, or someone. Someone to love and love me back. Such is the constant in my life. I never have enough love. I need to have someone concerned about me. I need someone to look at me like I'm their favorite thing on the planet. I need someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I need arms wrapped around me in the deathly cold winter, keeping me warm and sending tingles down my spine. Maybe my fantasies of love will only ever be just that, fantasies. Of course I have a mote of hope that it's something I'll have one day, but not having it now is almost physically painful. I hate wondering what's wrong with me? Thinking why am I not enough? It tires me. Well, it's late and I'm not getting a ride, so until next time. Stay Fab!:)
-L.H. ♥
I really don't know why I bother "signing" these posts. I'm the ONLY person who reads them.

Sudden Turn of Events!

Where to begin? First of all, I believe in horoscopes. I never thought I would. Most of it is probably chance and coincidence but my skepticism is beginning to wane. I feel like this will be my year. I love my new school, I kind of have a boyfriend(more on that later), and I'm determined to lift myself from these ashes like the majestic phoenix. I don't know why I started this. I'm too tired to finish. More later if I remember. Thnx for reading, stay FAB!:)
-L.H. ♥

Regrets & Lonliness

I feel like the lonliest girl in the world. I regret not making better choices. Maybe if I hadn't done the things I did, I wouldn't feel so lonely. I regret letting my fear of being abandoned cause me to push people away. I wouldn't be so alone right now. Maybe if I were prettier, a better student, thinner, nicer, the people I get close to wouldn't leave me. My mother is my only friend and she has to love me. No one cares about my feelings. I pretend to be ok but I'm really not. I don't fit in and I'm not enough for anyone. I eat to feel better, to take my mind off my misery. Once the food is gone I'm unhappy again. I'm getting fatter everyday but I refuse to limit myself. Limiting my eating means limiting my relief, my happiness, and taking away the only thing that makes me feel better, even for jst a little while. I ruin everything I have. I can't keep friends. People get sick of me. If I fell off the face of the earth tomorrow nobody would notice. I'm so insignificant in people's lives. I might as well be a grey blob. I'm really not needed or even wanted. I'm going to sleep. At least in my dreams there's an illusion of something happening in my pathetic existence.