Regrets & Lonliness

I feel like the lonliest girl in the world. I regret not making better choices. Maybe if I hadn't done the things I did, I wouldn't feel so lonely. I regret letting my fear of being abandoned cause me to push people away. I wouldn't be so alone right now. Maybe if I were prettier, a better student, thinner, nicer, the people I get close to wouldn't leave me. My mother is my only friend and she has to love me. No one cares about my feelings. I pretend to be ok but I'm really not. I don't fit in and I'm not enough for anyone. I eat to feel better, to take my mind off my misery. Once the food is gone I'm unhappy again. I'm getting fatter everyday but I refuse to limit myself. Limiting my eating means limiting my relief, my happiness, and taking away the only thing that makes me feel better, even for jst a little while. I ruin everything I have. I can't keep friends. People get sick of me. If I fell off the face of the earth tomorrow nobody would notice. I'm so insignificant in people's lives. I might as well be a grey blob. I'm really not needed or even wanted. I'm going to sleep. At least in my dreams there's an illusion of something happening in my pathetic existence.