My Heart

My heart is full of love. Love for fashion. Love for photography. Love for all the possibilities. I love that I have my whole life ahead of me. I love fresh towels and linen closets. I love that I don't know what could happen. I love my dreams of my entirely white bedroom, accented by ornate gold picture frames that are the homes to the artwork I've collected over time. Magazine covers, Breakfast at Tiffany's movie posters, and photos of my cats will litter my walls and the top of my dresser and short bookcase. My dream bed will be Queen-sized and have a white princess-style frame. At the end of my bed, there will be a trunk upholstered with purple soft material that doubles as a comfy seat. I will have a corner where my super comfy high-backed lavender reading chair is. There will be splashes of color splattered around my room in the form of pillows, floral arrangements, and clothing. I'll have a walk-in closet full of beautiful clothing for every occasion. One corner of my dream bedroom will be dedicated to my vanity, where I do my make-up, keep my perfumes and lotions, and some of my favorite jewelry. For some reason, I can only vividly visualize my bedroom. The rest of my imaginary apartment usually isn't imaginary, but bits of an apartment I vaguely remember visiting once. I suppose this is because I have been deprived of a sacred place that I can truly call my own. I've always had to share my room, so I'm able to clearly envision my ideal room because I've dreamed of one my whole life. How tragic. Anyway, thinking of the possibilities of my room, my career, my change from a duckling to a swan, excites and delights me. Time is moving a bit too slow for me and the fact that I know how close I am to my dreams becoming a reality makes me very antsy. . . But I digress, I am currently in a very loving mood. And because I am forced to find new ways to express this love, I have turned to myself(the only logical choice of course). I think I'll cover myself in glitter tomorrow. I find that who I am on the inside is no way represented on the outside. I feel stifled. I am not even a quarter of the person I had hoped to be by now. I have the right mindset and the ideas, but I seem to be missing something else that is very vital. I used to think it was money for clothes and cosmetics, but I am starting to reconsider that. Could it be that the missing component of achieving full fabulocity is some flaw within myself? I suppose I shouldn't rule anything out. Lately, I've grown attached to metaphor of life being all about trial and error. I'm not sure if I made this up or heard it somewhere, but it has been heavily on my mind this weekend. Everything, regardless of how trivial, has caused me to think of this phrase. For example, if someone were to accidentally put salt on their food instead of pepper, my immediate thought would be well, life is all about trial and error. I find this odd, even for me. I suppose it might be it's some sort of sign. Another thing I couldn't seem to escape was thoughts of him. I can't understand why I can't stop talking to him. There must be something wrong with me. I bash him and curse his life one day, feel indifferent the next, then suddenly I decide I hope things change drastically between us because I can't bear to live without him another day. At the moment, I'm stuck somewhere between wanting to give up on him completely and wanting desperately for him to love me. I feel like I've been dealing with this forever. It's been too long for my comfort. I have NEVER felt this way, for this long about anyone. I think it's safe to say that this is the longest and most ridiculous crush of my entire life. I have broken my own record. And what have I to show for it?? Exactly.. Time for bed..