F*ck Forgiveness

I have his number again. Because he texted me. Because I forgave him. But he committed the exact same crime all over again. I don't get it. What did I do? Well, it doesn't matter because I'm deleting his number again, and if he texts me again, I'm ignoring it. I need stability. It would be different if I didn't like him, but I do and what he's unwittingly(I hope) doing hurts me, but I have no idea how to begin to express that. So I just leave it alone instead of trying to fix it because I'm afraid. What am I afraid of? Getting hurt worse than I already am? Possibly. Him realizing the truth about how I feel about him? Very possible. Losing his friendship with no chance of getting it back? Highly likely. Although, I've been questioning how good a friend he actually is. But what can I say? I'm a hoarder. I have a difficult time getting rid of things that are totally useless. I have a hard time deleting the numbers of people I never talk to anymore and most likely will never talk to again. Hell, I still sign in on AIM to see if BFKAW happens to be on or has left me (another) message begging for my number. [He never is, btw]. The point is, I have a very mild hoarding problem, which makes it difficult for me to just let him go. I can't control myself. I have to hold on to hope that our relationship will suddenly drastically change for the better. And why? I'll tell you why, I'm a fucking pathetic, lonely, ugly girl who is so desperate to be touched that she'll keep an asshole's number in her bedazzled phone in the hopes that one day she'll text him and he'll actually fucking respond. Fuck forgiveness. He doesn't deserve it. I'm so strong, but I never apply my strength when it comes to him. I guess now is the best time to start.