Obviously, I lose :T. I'm a loser. I am a loser. It's so bad I have to say it twice.. Only a loser is so consumed by their hormones as I currently am. Ugh, I'll just say it, I want to have hot sexy sex with him. I bet he's good. No, great. And if he's not, I know I'll be comfortable telling him exactly how I want it. Oh, the thought alone makes me tingle. I hate that I probably won't find out. I hate that I want to find out. It probably wouldn't be as good as I imagine anyway. Or maybe it would be better. I have a feeling that we're supposed to wait until we both get good at it and when we finally do it, it'll be like a supernova. Just, too much to handle. I have evil in the corner of my mind. I feel like finding sneaky ways to make him think about sexy sex. But I know it would only backfire and he will probably end up thinking about sexy sex with his LAG(who I doubt is sexier than me, which hurts) instead of me. Yeah, I changed my mind. Dammit, why isn't my love ever returned?? Only once have I felt like a guy was at least a tiny bit interested and he totally doesn't fucking count. Yes, it makes me want to curse. That's what happens when I have pent up desires. And DO I have pent up desires. It fucking sucks. I'm not willing to lower my standards/self respect to satisfy my evil hormones and release some frustration. I want it to be special. I want to be able to cuddle afterwards. I want to want to cook* for the guy when we're done because I feel close to him. I don't want to regret it. That's my worst fear. That's the problem, my fear won't let me take risks. But my fear is rational, I've been burned and I never want to feel that pain again. I prefer the pain of ignorance and desire over the pain of knowledge and rejection. After all, ignorance is bliss...
*omg, sidebar: this fucking guy makes me want to COOK for him! Like wtf? I don't cook! Goddamn hormones.
