Clean.

I did a cleansing today. It's kind of like a self-baptism. You pray and bathe in a mixture of holy water, flowers, and another religious substance that I can't quite explain. I'm not religious and I don't identify with any religion, but I believe in spirits. I have no choice but to be "spiritually inclined" it's in my blood. I have vivid dreams and very strong feelings which guide me. I don't really believe in the conventional idea of  "God" or "gods". I have respect for it and I won't criticize people for believing in or following it, even if I do think some of it is total bs. I don't agree with using religion to justify the persecution of people, so I choose to not identify with any religion at all. However, on occasions, I do engage in some practices of my grandmother's religion. I feel a bit like a hypocrite for it sometimes, but it helps me when I feel I need it most. I feel cleansed of a lot of the negative feelings I was experiencing, but I still don't feel cleansed of him and his memory. My grandmother brought him up and we began to talk about him and why I'm not really talking to him. He hasn't texted me, btw. I think maybe he senses I might be upset with him since I didn't respond to his apology, or maybe he's just preoccupied, or he just forgot about me. Either way, I haven't spoken to him since I deleted his number. I didn't tell her I deleted his number. I feel a little foolish about it. I didn't really have a reason. I was driven by unreasonable emotions. I miss him. Talking to her about him made me miss him. I don't want to miss him. I hate feeling like I want to cry over someone. Especially a guy I like. That's the worst thing to me. It feels so pathetic. I don't know if I feel more miserable when he's in my life or when he's not. I keep telling myself that quote:

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

I like that quote; it gives me some peace. But it also makes me afraid that maybe my intense feelings were wrong and it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes I fantasize that one day, after he's has all his girlfriends and I've done my fair share of dating(fingers crossed), one day we'll bump into each other, remember all the good times we had, and fall in love. He'll remember how much he admired me, and noticed that over the years, I've gotten even more beautiful and amazing. I'll note that he's  much more handsome and has a very good job. All those old feelings will come flooding back, maybe not as intense as when we were teenagers, but everything was more intense back then. We'll have a better appreciation for each other because of all the people we've dated. And finally, after kissing all those frogs, he'll be my prince. And I'll be his queen. Compromises will have to be made, but we'll get past it because of our love.... but that's just my silly fantasy. What's more likely to happen is:
One day, we'll bump into each other. It'll be awkward because we know that we know each other from somewhere but can't quite remember from where. Nonetheless, we'll get into a conversation and suddenly recognize each other. He'll ask for my number and if we could hang out sometime. Remembering those feelings that once tortured me and the fantasy of our reunion fills me with excitement. "Finally," I think to myself, "we'll have our chance. I wasn't wrong after all" I wait a  whole week for him to call. He asks me out to lunch, a bad sign, but I remain optimistic. Maybe he just wants to spend the day with me. I nonchalantly accept the offer and am tortured by nervousness until the day arrives and he comes up to my apartment to pick me up. I'm dressed impeccably and he looks me up and down a few times, still shocked and how much prettier I've gotten over the years. I pretend not to notice and give him a grand tour of the place. It's small, but perfect for me. He meets my adorable dog, Audrey Hepburn. I'll offer him something to drink and he accepts. He doesn't seem very anxious to leave my comfortable space, so we sit on my couch and chat until we realize that hours have passed us by and his stomach is beginning to make monstrous noises. By this time, it's well past lunchtime and our lunch date has turned into a dinner date. I insist on changing into something more time appropriate, and he agrees to wait. I change into an even more fabulous outfit and his eyes very nearly pop out his head. Even little Audrey gives a bark of approval. As we're standing in my doorway, about to leave for dinner, he suddenly kisses me. My knees go weak and I'm shocked at the sudden fulfillment of my fantasies. But when I open my eyes, he has a look of terror. He apologizes profusely and bolts out of my building. I call after him, but he's gone. I collapse on to my bed and sob for hours until I pass out. In the morning, I look at my phone and see a text. It's from him. He apologizes again and asks if he can come over. I call him and tell him he missed his chance. I won't go through it again. I tell him to forget my number. He comes over anyway and I refuse to open the door. But, after he begs and pleads, I relent and I glare at him as he sits on my couch trying to find words. He finally confesses that he has a pregnant girlfriend, thus ending our relationship forever...
That's soooo unrealistic. Hahaha. He would NEVER run away from anyone, I'm sure of that. Especially not after kissing them. That was fun to imagine though. Anyway, I started to miss him again.I feel a little better after writing all that though. Writing is my therapy <3  I told you, I'm going to be okay.


Note: the label is the song that came on Viva-Radio when I wrote the last sentence of this post. Idk, I found it a little funny.